Surviving tonight(poem #164)

Public service announcement for those of you who were sound asleep,

Wrapped comfortable in your lovers arms or holding firmly to your antidotes to depression,

Last night at 4am the Purge of sanity began,

The ideations poured in like childhood nightmares,

But unlike the ones on Elm’s street,

I can not run away from these,

The distance from my bed to the door became a labyrinth,

My brain became the fun house at carnivals that remind you that the only thing worse than spiders is staring at your own reflection,

Each corner lines with mirrors to expose painted on smiles so frightening the Joker would have been proud.

Now confined to the gallows of my own consciousness I beg my brain to just please except that I am being hung by my own hands,

To just drift off into unconsciousness so I can finally sleep,

Sleep avaids my ever pleating heart,

The boxing match turned into a cage fight,

In one corner my heart,

The other every lover I have ever had,

Each punch laced with broken promises, lies, and heartbreak,

There is no referee on my self-loathing,

By the end of tonight I will be lucky if I come out alive…

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Demons live inside me (Poem #146)

I have demons in my brain,

And angel on my heart,

The Devils plays his game inside,

So much I fall apart.

He reminds of my heartache,

And teases me with love,

Then reminds me I’m not worth it,

Reminds me I’m not enough.

As the angel sits there crying,

Begging me to stay,

I put the gun to my head,

I pray to live one less day.

My hands they start to shake,

As the devil, he appears,

With open arms and big blue eyes

To whip away my tears.

He pleads for me to love him,

And to stay just one more day,

He gives me everything I want,

Then tears it all away. 

The angel wants me alive,

So he can give me love,

The devil wants a play thing,

To get his bidding done. 

Because heaven is far away,

And I stand on the brink,

Of hell on earth and suicide,

Please just let me stop and think.

Would I rather be dead,

Or standing here not truly alive,

I guess I’ll never know,

Because I never really tried. 

So I lay with tears screaming down my cheeks,

Goodnight my angel,

Goodnight my devil,

Love truly your play thing. 

He took his and mine (Poem #113)

They told me what you did,

at first I thought it was some sick joke,

as if life was something that couldn’t be taken away in 3.5 seconds,

but as I sat there,

it sunk in,

they weren’t kidding,

you had done it,

you had given up.

My mind rushed,

words meshed together to create a choased mash up of songs fights and tears,

my silence turned to sobs and screams,

never again would the words petrude my lips,

your life was so precious,

but so was my innocence,

yet both of those were taken away by you,

and still somehow I cannot look in the mirror

without seeing the face of a monster I created

because even though I couldn’t forgive you for me

I swear I would have done it for you

if only I had known….

Why do I feel bad,

you did this to yourself

you felt bad because you did that to me

why do I feel bad…..

it should be you feeling bad still….

you took the easy way out,

you stopped feeling,

you are gone,

why am I still angry…

why did this….

why did you….

why….