Untitled (Poem #163)

How have I not driven you mad?

I still think of him and feel so much…

So much anger,

So much sadness,

And so much love

I feel like a top spinning off of a desk falling for something I will never believe in.

Starving my Depression (Poem #160)

Hello, I will be your doctor today.

Please tell me what I can help you with.

Well, sir….I have chronic, cycled depression,

Acute Anxiety,

Haphazard Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder,

and a fluctuating eating disorder…

Since the age of 8 I have felt like I am not good enough,

Have attempted to kill myself 3 times, but succeeded in my mind over a thousand,

My intrusive thoughts appear more like imaginary friends than skeletons,

Insomnia no longer is a word, but a conscious state of being completely awake while living a nightmare,

But overall I am generally functional…

Well the best I can give you is these pills…

Here take one of these in the morning, and one of these at night to go to sleep.

Does anyone else find it ironic that one of the greatest side affects of antidepressants is weight gain…

Followed by drowsiness,

Potential breakouts,

Suicidal thoughts,

and a lose of Libido….

As if I didn’t walk in here self-conscious enough,

My anxiety spikes just thinking that the things I am clinging to to make me better may actually bring to life all of my nightmares at once.

Remember to always take your pills in the morning,

Ignore the sickness in your stomach,

Pretend you aren’t overstimulated simply by light,

Accept the fact that your state of bliss was concentrated down to a pill,

Swallow the pill with your sadness.

I gained 10 pounds in a month on my antidepressants,

Which was surprising because I didn’t think that zombies could gain weight,

Especially the ones who are starving to feel better,

While still shoving tranquilizers down their throats.

I starved my depression so much so that the light at the end of the tunnel just turned out to be the blinding sense of being “happy” that they promised,

My chill pills didn’t make me feel safer,

Rather I felt as if I was floating on the open waters of the ocean,

My monsters clawing below me,

When really I was in my bathtub…

I found that instead of feeling more alive, I felt more like death,

Each pill become another bullet-hole to my creativity,

The fabric placed over my eyes so I didn’t see that I was only “drowning” in a cup of water I continued to fill…

So Mr. Doctor, I come here today to tell you

Please keep your pills to yourself,

Instead,

Please give my a prescription for my life back.

 

 

In 5-10 Years: Imagine that (Poem #158)

(Four consecutive poems written based upon Timothy Wilson’s Best Possible Self Reflection in his book Redirect. Written in the perspective of myself in 5-10 years reflecting upon where my life has taken me)

Wednesday: 
Dear Diary, 
 I'm getting tired of this,
 Waking up feeling ill,
 Stomach churning and head spinning.
 So I walked to the doctor,
 And explained quietly to the nurse,
 The corner of her mouth raised as she handed me a test,
 "I'll wait in here just set it there, and we should known soon enough"
 So I'm sitting here now starring at the pamphlets on the wall,
 Thinking to myself how I even got here at all,
 My job as a Social Justice and Human Resources consultants,
 Provides me with the benefits I have,
 I can take a day off,
 Go to the doctor who is not to far,
 And sit here praying to some god that there isn't something wrong,
 The doctor knocks softly,
 Causing me to jump,
 Pamphlets in his hand each with a baby on the front,
 I feel my eyes start watering,
 From fear and solid cheer, 
 "Miss, I must inform you that you are pregnant,
 Here's some information here..."
 As he drones on softly,
 I cup my stomach in my hand,
 We've been trying for this for some time now,
 We almost gave up too,
 But this fluttering beat inside my heart
 Means our wish has finally come true.

Thursday:
Dear Diary,
 We finalized my schedule today,
 Planned ahead for the last eight months,
 Truly it is bittersweet,
 To leave what I have worked so get for,
 I discussed doing online schooling,
 Until the baby can go to school,
 Which seems silly,
 I have received three diplomas in my life,
 What will one more do?
 But as my bosses eyes light up,
 As the idea popped in her head,
 "What if you worked from home,
 Changed it up and consulted for us instead,
 I know you love to travel,
 But this way you can stay with the baby until then."
 A soft twinkle hit my eye,
 A tear if you must know,
 For I am giving up consulting across the world,
 With companies unknown,
 A few less trips to Europe,
 No more late nights in Peru,
 Rather a computer screen at home,
 Instructing others how to do what I do,
 And once our meeting finished,
 I realized what I had,
 I might be changing how I do my job,
 But I have another one at hand.
 
Friday:
Dear Diary,
 I told him today,
 That our lives were going to change for the better,
 He looked confused as he sipped his cup of coffee,
 Then kissed me on the cheeks and was on his way,
 I heard the motorcycle leave the driveways,
 Smiled a sneaky smile,
 And proceeded with the plan...
 
 I surprised him at work today,
 Picked him up in our car,
 And drove him to the pier,
 Handed him a letter and waited for what I would hear,
 He tore the seal,
 My heart stopped as he mumbled the words to himself,
 One second, two seconds, three seconds...four seconds...five seconds,
 The a pause,
 His eyes grew wide,
 The paper floated softly from his hands,
 A flash,
 A warm embrace, 
 Tears,
 No words...just happiness and fear beautifully wrapped into one.

Saturday:
Dear Diary,
 The happiness seems short lived,
 We agree on nothing,
 The first argument of many about our future,
 "I have to work,"
 "You don't have to work overtime,"
 "The money isn't there,"
 "This is why we saved up,"
 "But what if something happens,"
 "Nothing ever does,"
 "Our place isn't big enough,"
 "It's a baby it doesn't need much room"
 "But what about when it grows up"
 "Stop screaming at me!"
 "Why are you crying"
 "I'm not ready..."
 "Neither am I..."
 "But we have to be..."
 "I love you..."
 "I love you too"
 
Sunday:
Dear Diary,
 We stayed in bed today,
 Just a little bit later than normal,
 Soaked in the Sun,
 And cherished moments of silent bliss,
 Filling out minds with muffled giggles and pounding hearts,
 In a way doing nothing was a way of celebrating,
 The fact that we have gotten this far,
 His job is going well,
 The promotion is all lined up,
 Financially we have nothing to worry about,
 Getting my masters was worth it,
 If it means I can do this for the next five years,
 As the gentle pulse in my stomach becomes pattering feet upon the hardwood floor,
 Yes breaking my back at work was worth the moment,
 That he placed his hand upon my stomach this morning,
 A sleepy smile spreading across his face,
 And whispered,
    "Hey there little one,
     I can't wait to see you,
     And hold you in my arms,
     But you have to do me a favor,
     As your dad,
     I want you to be nicer to your mom,
     And stop making her so ill,
     We are all super excited to meet you,
     But little baby you need to chill."
 And as he coos so softly,
 Feeling a small pulse beneath his hands,
 I release the sigh of relief,
 For the journey and the blessings I have. 

The love we deserve (poem #145)

Love…

Four simple letters,

One rhythmic word.

I yearn for it’s overwhelming weakness.

Desire so much to have it.

But I am tired,

Tired of the people who say they will never hurt me being the ones who only want to be my friends,

And the ones who are willing to hurt me be the ones who invite my heart to fall in love with them.

I know now that I deserve better,

But I guess this is life’s way of showing me the love I deserve.

Your temporary high (Poem #144)

When you get high,

Do you miss me?

Is my presence your personal poison,

Your shot of whiskey?

But when you are alone,

And you sip upon my existence,

Does my love taste bitter or sweet?

Was I out your medicine,

Your shot that would help you escape the world?

Darling, I can be that wonder,

Or I can drag you to hell.

It’s up to you darling,

Will you drink me responsibly?

In attempt to express (Poem #142)

As I am standing with tears streaming down my face

You scream at me and ask what I wrong

And when I can’t find the words you scream louder

But here is the truth

90% of the time I feel lonely and scare

The other 10% I feel ok and strong

But everyone sees it the other way

Because I learned to stand on shaking legs

To glare at the world through tears

But that isn’t me

It never was

And as you scream louder the real me is dying to find the words

But when you don’t even understand how you are hanging on to life

How am I supposed to tell you what it feel like

To describe a perminantly broken heart

To feel innocence ripping from you

When darkness is your friend

And I sleep for half the day

Because when I sleep I don’t feel

And that is all I really want right now

To not feel…

No one ever asked (poem #141)

1 in 5…

Why are people not more upset,

And jumping at their seats?

Why are we not screaming louder

So I am on not the only one who has to scream,

For seven years and counting

And since January 16th on…

They say that in seven year

My body will do a miracle

That every cell in my body will be made new

And every cell you once touched will no longer exist

So I sit here

Counting down the days until you have no longer touched my hand

But with each day I am reminded that you did much more than simply touch me

You took part of my soul

And that is something I can never take back…

Forget the fake that I trusted you

Forget the fact that I thought you cared

Because I thought you all cared

Yet for a month I walked around in fear

The fear that I would be called a liar and a bitch

That the blame would be put on me

So I took it

I said I cheated

And that it was all my fault

Because that is what the voices said

They told me I knew what was going to happen when I walked into that room

And maybe I shouldn’t have drank so much

But no one blamed you…

Not until they say the years flash before their eyes

And the tears stain my checks like ink…

No until I broke it was my burden to bare…

My burden that you raped me…

And to this day I have to live with the 13 pages that judge sent

Detail what he said were all my lies…

Why would I lied about this

Seriously when was the last time someone got robbed and you questioned if it really happened

You can replace what a robber took

Or fix wounds of an assault

But you can never fix me

Or replace  what I once had

Because rape it takes more from you than any man’s hands will ever grasp…

And it wouldn’t be so bad if this hasn’t happened before

If I could say I was the only one…

But one in five women

And one in thirty three men

Will feel the tearing not out of something they never knew they had….

The numbers are too high

These people shouldn’t be

People getting hurt

People just like me….