So this is how it feel…(poem #14)

So this is how it feels,

when disaster strikes,

and everything you knew disappeared…

There is an overwhelming fear ,

and pain for what has been lost.

It would be easier if it was something materialistic,

like a house,

or jewelry,

but no this is worse…

this is much worse….

You see a house can be rebuilt with blueprint,

and Jewelry can be bought again,

but what happens when the walls you built,

and everything you called yourself 

suddenly gets thrown open and apart,

and you look around and all you see is the rubble of what you were,

every brick was a part of you,

and every stone you pick up brings back all the memories,

all the pain,

all the joy,

all the fears,

they bring back EVERYTHING!!

and you can’t hide from them anymore,

you’re skeletons are amoungst the rubble,

and you feel like you are living in a class house,

and all you want to do is cry out,

and fall to your knees and give up,

but as you fall you find the one brick that reminds you why you keep trying…

Suddenly there is a hand helping you stand up now,

and a voice saying “let’s keep that one”,

then you understand,

the tornado didn’t come to destroy you,

just destroy what you thought you were,

because what you thought was holding you back from who you could be,

the walls were too high and blinding you from the sun,

so yes the rubble is scary,

and as you rebuild yourself you will get cuts,

and splinters,

and bruises,

and scares,

and bleed a lot…

but in the end it will all be worth it,

because the sun will be shining on you from now on,

and you will have learned to dance in the rain,

and learn that some part of your house can be glass,

and that the things that held you back before can be thrown away,

and only the pieces you want to keep will be used,

because now you get to decide who you will be!

Signed Sincerely with Love(poem #13)

As I sit in my room,


waiting for something magical to happen,

or a light-bulb to appear,

I know something is happening,

even if it is deep inside.

It is something beautiful,

yet it is scary,

and I don’t know how to react.

Because how do you tell someone that you are willing to drop everything to make them happy,

or that somehow no matter how far away they are you can still feel them,

and that no matter how you feel there is something that aches once they leave…

How do you tell them that…..

Or even worse how do you tell them that no matter what they did to you,

you forgive them…

but somehow you don’t want them anymore…

and that you need to move on with your life,

and that for some reason they aren’t going to be as big of a part of it…

and that no matter how bad it hurt you,

they did leave,

and you tried waiting for them,

but you can’t wait for a superhero,

because superheros aren’t real,

and they won’t come flying in to save you…

Because songs like these aren’t real,

the world tears you apart,

and takes the things you hold dear and shreds them,

just to show you that you can go on without them…

that somehow you were strong enough all along on your own,

and that you need to stop taking them in like medicine,

because you aren’t sick,

you are healthy and strong,

and you are the only thing holding you back.

So I would have followed you where you go,

but I can’t…

I just couldn’t do that for you….

I thought I could,

but I see now that I wasn’t supposed to,

and I guess why I am saying this, 

all these months later,

is because I have been to scared to say it before…

that maybe I am better off without you,

and that we weren’t meant to be like we thought…

But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you…

It just means that I need to care about me too,

and that sometimes the things that tastes the sweetest at the time are the things that are rotting us away…

So when you got on that plane,

and you flew away into your life…

just know I didn’t hold any resentment,

and that I did cry many tears,

because I knew in that moment that our life had said goodbye,

And that the next day when I awoke I cried even more,

because walking away from a three year relationship wasn’t something easy to do,

and neither was seeing the pictures of you in your dress blues….

So I respect you my dear,

and rightfully so,

but it’s time for me to say goodbye,

and both of us to let go…

Because my life is getting better now,

and I still wish you were here,

but as a friend not a lover,

but that is something I fear,

I fear you can’t handle that,

and that you will lose sight of what we are now….

because we never will be together again….

and we are over now.

So I salute you my soldier,

I applaud you honorable marine,

but please move on now,

go find what you need..

Because I found what I need,

And I am moving on with my life,

and I am learning what happiness is,

I’m learning what it means to live life…..

and that is what I want for you,

I want you to see,

the beauty in the flowers

and the smiles in the breeze…

Because you deserve happiness,

and you deserve love,

but that isn’t something I can give you,

I’m sorry.

Signed sincerely….with love.

Poetry and Music (poem #12)

Let it go..

Let it go…

Can’t hold it back anymore…

Let it go…

Let it go…

That perfect girl is gone!

Now that I have that out of the way,

A poem is a song,

A song is a poem,

Words on paper,

Or words in the air,

Poetry becomes music,

and it floats through our hair.

You see there is nothing that words can not express,

When written upon a rhythm

And added to a tune,

Becuase music transforms words,

from somthing so simply,

so black and white,

to something of color,

that can brighten the darkest of night.

We cherish them,

hold them,

and always remember them,

as we walk alone,

or are wondering in a crowd…

Because poetry and music,

say everything we wish we could,

but feel that we would be judged,

because our sentences aren’t complete,

and the words can be cut short,

or completely omitted,

because it’s about expression,

not about making sense,

so it may sound like a ramble…

but to us poetry and music is what our heart screams!

Someone remind me(poem #11)

Can someone please remind me,

what life was like before,

Before I had this sickness,

Before I had to fight this war…

Because it’s tearing me apart,
and I wish it was limb for limb,

because losing an arm,

is way better than losing your mind…

and getting shot in the shoulder,

feels nothing like going insane,

because wounds will heal…

but the thoughts never go away….

So someone please tell me,

What life is like,

When it’s not tainted and scared,

By a depression filled life,

What is like to go years without sadness,

that protrudes on all your joy?

What’s it like to be trusting?

What’s it like to love your body,

your soul,

and your mind?

What’s it like to be normal?

What’s it like to have a piece of mind?

So maybe I’m crazy…

but maybe I’m not…

The things for sure is…

I’m depressed….

And it sucks….

like a lot…

Close your lips (poem #10)

Please stop,

Just don’t even try anymore,

You don’t know me darling,

You don’t know my life…

So before you open your mouth,

and start to spread lies about my life,

look at the facts…

The last time we talked was years ago,

The only things you see that I say are on social media,

and the stories you hear are from people who don’t care,

don’t like me,

or just don’t understand me…

So please just close your precious lips,

and focus on something more important to you.

Because I shouldn’t be…

because you aren’t important to me….

But I forgive you don’t worry,

because I don’t live in the past….

and that is were you are to me now…

In my past….

And you will never be a part of my future,

or the beautiful thing I will become…

So it is your lose hun….

But for your own sake,

stop the lies,

close your mouth,

open your mind,

and move on…

How I feel…(poem #9)

Please talk to me,

See that I have feeling too,

That even though you don’t understand it doesn’t mean I don’t care,

It just means that I don’t know how to tell you what I feel,

Because everything is all mixed up in my head,

And nothing makes sense to me,

But something makes sense no matter what,

That even through this emotional mess I am in…

I need you to be willing to listen,

To hold my hand,

And uplift my soul,

And just know that no matter how bad I hurt you…

I still care…..

I….I…just don’t know how to tell you what I need or feel….

What is love? (poem #8)

People have this misconceptions that love is all about roses,

and smiles,

and happiness…..

but that isn’t what love is.

Love is hardship,

holding on tight.

It’s about screaming at each other,

and fogetting why you you were ten minutes later.

It’s about apologizing for your wrongs,

and giving up on things you thought you could never let go because you need to hold on to each other instead.

It’s about celebrating joys,

along with morning tears.

It’s about telling each other how you feel,

and making sure you never make them feel that way again…

at least not for the same reason.

It’s about saying your sorry,

and meaning…

It’s about learning the hard way,

And not always taking the easy way out,

because the easy way isn’t always the best way…

Sometimes you have to take the hard way,

And have hard conversations,

because it is from the hard conversations that true love actually comes through.

You see love isn’t made of all sunshine and rainbows,

Love is the silly feeling you get when you see them smile,

It’s the desire in the middle night that you get when you are a lone just to see them,

The twinkle in your eye when you smile because they are around,

When you cry you want nothing more than to be in their arms,

Wearing sweatpants and no makeup and cuddling,

Holding on to them all night because laying next to them is a better than dreaming,

It’s even though you are sad you know that they will somehow make you smile…

But most importantly you know that no matter what you say,

what you do,

what you think,

or how hurt you are,





I deserve this….(poem #7)

What do you do,
When your cries fall on deaf ears?
Or minds that have no time for you?
Or any consideration of your being?

So what am I to do…
I did what I could with what I had,
and yet I still fall short…
like usual….

You would think I would be used to this,
Seeing as most of the plans I have made have fallen apart, of course last minute due to the fact that life provided something remotely more satisfying than calming my ever raging heart or putting a smile on the face that has seen more tears than there are lightning-bugs in this dreadful night sky…i guess I do get it..I get there there is something better….yet everyday I am told that I am deserving of love, admiration and the world…..but I guess the world fell short and stopped turning long enough to show me that really, even though I may deserve it,I won’t get shit…so maybe this cry falls on deaf ears but at least I am trying….because giving up looks smooth right now…but that isn’t me…so as the world heeds on I will take every baby step toward tomorrow with a pain in my heart and hurt in my eyes…because I deserve it…I deserve this….

I deserve this…right? You know what I have learned…that no matter how many times you are told you deserve the best everything that happens to come close ends…it always ends….so no matter how many times I remember my mother telling me I deserve someone who will show me that I am the reason the stars shine in the sky…yet I can’t even find someone who is willing to try…because every moment when I go to write down on this paper words of happiness and joy you snatch the pen out of my hand..somehow the world has this sick twisted way of taking everything positive in our life and staining it with tears and heartache so someday we except the pamphlets they hand out on street corners that tell us how much we are worth…and they never say you are worth the world…they always say the same thing….you aren’t pretty enough, you aren’t smart enough, you need to do better, damn it stop crying, you need to be stronger, why can’t you see that you are worthless…..they tell us we are worthless….and the saddest part is we believe this…and someday we replace the pen we used to write words of joy with a razor that covers our arms and screams words of pain…so don’t tell me I deserve the world darling…because I know I do…..I know I do…..

I know I do…..

Country songs….(Poem #6)

I know you think I am crazy,

but I love the sound of those crazy country songs,

the ones with a hint of everything,

a little twang….

a little pop…

a little guitar….

a little pain….

a little love….

but mostly just honesty.

I love the idea of having one of those nights,

Of falling in love in the middle of nowhere,

About losing that love,

and holding on tight to the love we wish we had.

So call me crazy for loving my truck,

and loving the sound of a small town party,

sitting around a bonefire,

laughing and loving,

and just holding on to good friends….

Because country music says that all…

Because can you honestly tell me that in the middle of the night,

when fireflies storm the skies,

and the smoke of a fire streams through the air,

and headlights light up the dancing grass,

That there is something better to hear?

That somehow techno music would suffice?

No darling….

So call me a hick,

Or a redneck if you may,

But this small town girl loves her truck,

loves to love,

has felt heartbreak,

has her dog waiting for her at home,

apreciates the beauty of an unplanned night,

and doing something small but crazy,

who can kick up some dirt,

and raise some hell….

but at the end of the night,

there’s only one things I want to hear….

And that’s the sound of the crickets,

And the breeze tickling the trees,

And the soft echo of a howl filling the night sky.

And you wanna know what’s crazy,

I’m not even that country,

There are girls out there that go way harder than me,

Who have lived their whole lives living and breathing country,

I’m no down south or norther country girl through and through,

But deep down in my heart,

While I am sitting here in the city,

I can see,

That clearly there is a little country girl in me….

So does this girl love her country music,

yes when the time is right I do….

But maybe tomorrow I will be just as in love with Rock & Roll too….

TED If I should have a daughter by Sarah Kay

I just wanted to share with you one of the most beautiful and influential poems that I have heard in a long time. One of my biggest dreams is to become exactly what she is describing…a good mother to my future children. So listen and enjoy.