Surviving tonight(poem #164)

Public service announcement for those of you who were sound asleep,

Wrapped comfortable in your lovers arms or holding firmly to your antidotes to depression,

Last night at 4am the Purge of sanity began,

The ideations poured in like childhood nightmares,

But unlike the ones on Elm’s street,

I can not run away from these,

The distance from my bed to the door became a labyrinth,

My brain became the fun house at carnivals that remind you that the only thing worse than spiders is staring at your own reflection,

Each corner lines with mirrors to expose painted on smiles so frightening the Joker would have been proud.

Now confined to the gallows of my own consciousness I beg my brain to just please except that I am being hung by my own hands,

To just drift off into unconsciousness so I can finally sleep,

Sleep avaids my ever pleating heart,

The boxing match turned into a cage fight,

In one corner my heart,

The other every lover I have ever had,

Each punch laced with broken promises, lies, and heartbreak,

There is no referee on my self-loathing,

By the end of tonight I will be lucky if I come out alive…

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The first date (poem #151)

I want to thank you,

For sitting across a table from me sipping coffee,

Holding short conversations about life,

Just like a perfect gentleman. 

You may not see it,

But I’m not used to it,

And it is nice to sit down for once

Not be treated like a paper doll,

Being undressed and redressed by men after first dates

Men who are later suprised and repulsed when they get cut by my unclean edges. 

I may appear tough but the paper can tear when touched by too rough of hands,

Or exposed to too much fire. 

So when I say it was different,

I mean it in the most sincere way,

Thank you for holding my gentle paper hand,

And holding meaningless paper conversations

In that paper coffee shop,

Thank you for not taking the chance to take advantage of my paper heart

And letting me be the fragile little girl I can be for five seconds,

Because it is nice

And rare for me

To sit across a table and have someone be ok with the paper version of me. 

Reflection of the soul (poem #147)

I saw the purest of colors radiate from her. So beautiful and clean. It made all of her flaws and superficial faults look like perfection on a broken piece of stained glass. Her beauty became much more than the ink, makeup, and jewelry. Because the aura she brought to my life was that from her soul, and her outwardly beauty could never compare.  

Choker (Poem #114)

The Choker

I slide it over my neck,

Perfect the placement,

one inch lower or a half an inch higher,

it needs to be perfect,

as if the  placement determines the pressure that reminds me to breath.

Maybe it is more than a fashion statement,

truly it reminds me how precious my life is,

as ever breath I take tugs upon it.

But how would  you know that,

all you see is the piercings,

the tattoo,

and the choker,

securing a memory in your mind of that girl,

not of me.

If this poem could fix this home, I would read it everyday…(Poem #84)


My family is falling apart,

and I have to just stand back in watch,

as the lawyers scream to be heard,

and the silent agony spreads,

as I watch the world crumble under my feet,

and all you two care about is who gets what….

BUT WHO GETS ME?!?!

WHAT AM I WORTH?!?

Don’t make your divorce split me in two,

I’m not the house,

you can buy a new one of those,

I’m not a car,

you can’t buy insurance that will fix me,

I’m your child,

the one you grew up holding onto your support,

and now the ground I loved is splitting at it’s fault line,

and your daughter cries out for your lawyers to put down the pen,

and for you two to see that I can’t be in the middle of your fighting anymore,

I’m your child,

it’s time you two start acting like my parent,

and parent yourself….

The whisper that Outweighs the Screams (Poem #71)

Mentally I understand it,

My brain can tell me a thousand times,

but my heart won’t listen,

it muffles out the screams,

and replaces them with whispers that echo through my soul.

I don’t know if that is a good thing,

or if all it will do is drive me insane…

Because my mind is screaming “HE DOESN’T WANT YOU!”

But my heart still clings to “Maybe someday he will……”

Let me tell you my story….(Poem #66)

Pain isn’t a feeling,

it is a disease,

It spreads…..it’s contagious,

It is stronger than me.

Because pain,

it knows your heartache,

because it comes as everything you ever wanted,

til you gave it control.

So suddenly it can make the devil become the hands of a man,

and man who had the power I could never have.

And it told me my body wasn’t even my own,

it said, “You’r ass is too small…your thighs are too big…you call those tits??? You’re fucking kidding me???”

And I’ll only promote you if you give me EVERYTHING.

What happened to my body being my temple?

I’ll tell you right now…

that temple was broken into 

and torn down

on that hot summer day

in the heat of the sun

against the back of that forwheeler

when I couldn’t run….

You see I could tell you the make and the model,

because in that moment I focused on everything but the temple that was starting to break,

and at the age of 13 I didn’t know the power I had….

And since then I never have.

Since then I gave up my power to say no…

Cuz I’m a good little girl!

SO SPANK ME, HIT ME, CUT ME, SLAP ME,

DO WHAT YOU WANT

I DON’T CARE IF IT HURTS

I DON’T CARE IF I BLEED,

BECAUSE I LOVE IT DADDY

YES! YES! PLEASE!

Yes rough sex is better for me,

because the physical pain is better than watching my soul struggle to breath,

from the fact that all I ever wanted was mommy and daddy to love me….

So fuck me and bruise me,

and do what you want to,

because what’ a little whore like me going to do?

At leaset that’s what they tell me,

as society pins me to the bed.

They tell me I’m worthless,

and better off dead.

That women are lesser,

and I have to decide,

between loving a man and a women

or else I should hide,

Hid the emotion,

and the attraction I feel,

because that doesn’t exsist…

That not actually how I feel….

The world is black and white darling,

don’t you see,

a man marries a woman

they have babies

and you stay home and clean.

You know what I say to that?

FUCK THAT!!!

FUCK YOUR SOCIETAL NORMS!!

I will not let you oppress me,

You will not be that hands that cover my screams,

because I can scream loud,

you can not overpower me!

I’m a force to be reckoned with,

and a voice to be heard,

cuz hell hath no fury like a woman scorn,

and lastly,

believe heaven won’t take me,

and I can’t step foot in hell,

because the devil ain’t ready to deal with this little whore!

Our adventure…(Poem #59)

The cold wind hit my face,

And the rays of sun sparkle against the snow,

My boots crunch against the ice crystals,

As I walk forward the trees shake in the breeze,

And all of a sudden I hear a jingling coming through the trees,

Then there he is,

Running full speed ahead,

his collar jingling as he picks up speed,

his paws pushing against the snow,

and a trail of powder behind him,

then the impact occurs,

I look up in the sky,

and feel a wet nose against my cheek,

and hear a soft panting,

as I sit up I laugh,

and pet his back,

I smile and say,

“I’ll right boy you win, let’s keep walking”

And my puppy and I continue on our adventure.