Attempting to Explain Why I am Single(Poem #161)

The number one question on tinder today is: “How in the world is a girl like you single?”

Well boys and girls please sit down as I tell you why:

  1. Swearing isn’t lady like and I don’t give a damn that people fucking think it’s rude.
  2. You would look so much prettier if you just tried a little harder.
  3. My love is like a treasure chest; filled with glistening moments that bring glory, joy and wonder only to be later seen as monitary value to be barged with, tested, and sold to the highest bidder, each piece taken away from me as symbol of my lovers’ triumph over my heart.
  4. “I don’t date short girls”.
  5. May fairytales are more like Grim’s. There is no happily ever after, and I am pretty sure my “Prince Charming” got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
  6. “It’s not you it’s me…”
  7. My body is more like a quest than a home; each knight gets wrapped in the excitement of saying they have slain the dragon but never knowing what to do with the princess after that; the crown didn’t fit my head right and I don’t fit into the kingdom quite right…maybe I was better off with the dragon
  8. Omg you like girls too that is so hot we should totally….ehhh stop there do not pass go do not collect two hundred dollars, that is not how this game work.
  9. I’m not the type of girl that people fall in love with. I am the paper town meant to be burned down by men with matches. I pride myself on provide warmth and love by sacrificing my heart to the hollowness of bones. Creating graveyards of memories, where all ex’s are followed by “oooohh”‘s
  10. “We’re sorry the number you have dialed is no longer in service or has been disconnected. Please hang up and try again”

In 5-10 Years: Imagine that (Poem #158)

(Four consecutive poems written based upon Timothy Wilson’s Best Possible Self Reflection in his book Redirect. Written in the perspective of myself in 5-10 years reflecting upon where my life has taken me)

Wednesday: 
Dear Diary, 
 I'm getting tired of this,
 Waking up feeling ill,
 Stomach churning and head spinning.
 So I walked to the doctor,
 And explained quietly to the nurse,
 The corner of her mouth raised as she handed me a test,
 "I'll wait in here just set it there, and we should known soon enough"
 So I'm sitting here now starring at the pamphlets on the wall,
 Thinking to myself how I even got here at all,
 My job as a Social Justice and Human Resources consultants,
 Provides me with the benefits I have,
 I can take a day off,
 Go to the doctor who is not to far,
 And sit here praying to some god that there isn't something wrong,
 The doctor knocks softly,
 Causing me to jump,
 Pamphlets in his hand each with a baby on the front,
 I feel my eyes start watering,
 From fear and solid cheer, 
 "Miss, I must inform you that you are pregnant,
 Here's some information here..."
 As he drones on softly,
 I cup my stomach in my hand,
 We've been trying for this for some time now,
 We almost gave up too,
 But this fluttering beat inside my heart
 Means our wish has finally come true.

Thursday:
Dear Diary,
 We finalized my schedule today,
 Planned ahead for the last eight months,
 Truly it is bittersweet,
 To leave what I have worked so get for,
 I discussed doing online schooling,
 Until the baby can go to school,
 Which seems silly,
 I have received three diplomas in my life,
 What will one more do?
 But as my bosses eyes light up,
 As the idea popped in her head,
 "What if you worked from home,
 Changed it up and consulted for us instead,
 I know you love to travel,
 But this way you can stay with the baby until then."
 A soft twinkle hit my eye,
 A tear if you must know,
 For I am giving up consulting across the world,
 With companies unknown,
 A few less trips to Europe,
 No more late nights in Peru,
 Rather a computer screen at home,
 Instructing others how to do what I do,
 And once our meeting finished,
 I realized what I had,
 I might be changing how I do my job,
 But I have another one at hand.
 
Friday:
Dear Diary,
 I told him today,
 That our lives were going to change for the better,
 He looked confused as he sipped his cup of coffee,
 Then kissed me on the cheeks and was on his way,
 I heard the motorcycle leave the driveways,
 Smiled a sneaky smile,
 And proceeded with the plan...
 
 I surprised him at work today,
 Picked him up in our car,
 And drove him to the pier,
 Handed him a letter and waited for what I would hear,
 He tore the seal,
 My heart stopped as he mumbled the words to himself,
 One second, two seconds, three seconds...four seconds...five seconds,
 The a pause,
 His eyes grew wide,
 The paper floated softly from his hands,
 A flash,
 A warm embrace, 
 Tears,
 No words...just happiness and fear beautifully wrapped into one.

Saturday:
Dear Diary,
 The happiness seems short lived,
 We agree on nothing,
 The first argument of many about our future,
 "I have to work,"
 "You don't have to work overtime,"
 "The money isn't there,"
 "This is why we saved up,"
 "But what if something happens,"
 "Nothing ever does,"
 "Our place isn't big enough,"
 "It's a baby it doesn't need much room"
 "But what about when it grows up"
 "Stop screaming at me!"
 "Why are you crying"
 "I'm not ready..."
 "Neither am I..."
 "But we have to be..."
 "I love you..."
 "I love you too"
 
Sunday:
Dear Diary,
 We stayed in bed today,
 Just a little bit later than normal,
 Soaked in the Sun,
 And cherished moments of silent bliss,
 Filling out minds with muffled giggles and pounding hearts,
 In a way doing nothing was a way of celebrating,
 The fact that we have gotten this far,
 His job is going well,
 The promotion is all lined up,
 Financially we have nothing to worry about,
 Getting my masters was worth it,
 If it means I can do this for the next five years,
 As the gentle pulse in my stomach becomes pattering feet upon the hardwood floor,
 Yes breaking my back at work was worth the moment,
 That he placed his hand upon my stomach this morning,
 A sleepy smile spreading across his face,
 And whispered,
    "Hey there little one,
     I can't wait to see you,
     And hold you in my arms,
     But you have to do me a favor,
     As your dad,
     I want you to be nicer to your mom,
     And stop making her so ill,
     We are all super excited to meet you,
     But little baby you need to chill."
 And as he coos so softly,
 Feeling a small pulse beneath his hands,
 I release the sigh of relief,
 For the journey and the blessings I have. 

The fork in the road (Poem #92)

When I look at you:

I see a house on the hill,

with a fence,

a dog,

and two little girls,

squealing with joy as they swing,

knowing you will soon e home,

and there is nothing to fear,

because you breath security,

Stability

and a guarantee comfortable future,

no bumps or bruises,

or monsters under the bed,

you radiate the world I have always wanted in my head.

Yet when I look at them:

I see fire and lights shows,

Saturday  night raves,

nights I won’t remember,

and times I slept for days,

struggles to get by,

and small apartment with the faint smell of weed,

an unexpected child,

who rides through public school,

was never handed the world,

and fell down,

got bruised, punched and kicked in the stomach,

but always had a rough, caring hand to help them back up,

it isn’t perfect or pretty,

but it sure is a sight.

Looking back and forth,

ti becomes very clear,

these are two options for my life,

but which one I want more,

I can’t quiet decide.

Genderless Love (Poem #90)

A man gave me a flower,

yet it still died;

A woman gave me her heart,

yet it did not fit with mine;

A transgender man held my hand,

yet it did not feel like a one of a kind experience;

A transgender woman gave me a dance,

yet she did not sweep me off my feet;

A soul gave me all it’s love,

and that is something I should not have to hide.

Forward is the only Option(Poem #88)

I feel like a broken record,

spinning of it’s track.

Like a railway car,

that wants to turn back,

but has figured out that the tracks I have been on have fallen apart,

and that forward is the only way to go,

even if it is into a tunnel,

without any sign of an end,

pushing forward is the only option,

til you reach a dead end……