Why did I believe the lie I that I am ugly? (Poem #39)

I looked in the mirror today,

and saw a million flaws…

1. My nose is too big

2. My eyebrows are too bushy

3. My bottom lip isn’t proportional to my upper lip

4. My hair is too frizzy and whenever I straighten it it never stays that way

5. There are too many zits on my face

6. My chest isn’t big enough

7. My stomach won’t go away

8…..9….10….

You get the point…

I stared in the mirror and saw all the things I have been told were not pretty enough.

I have fallen to the part of society that has choked me since I was 11 years old,

I took at the things that were thrown at me and,

though they did not break my bones,

they left bruises.

I did suffer depression,

I did suffer from an eating disorder,

I did put myself through and unhealthy amount of physical work,

I put myself through everything I could think of in order to make myself feel pretty…

Why am I doing this?

Why do I believe this?

When I was a little girls,

I thought I was beautiful,

with my blue eyes

and crazy blond hair,

but one day those eyes weren’t enough,

and the crazy hair needed to be tamed.

But FUCK THAT!!!!

FUCK THE WORLD FOR TELLING ME I NEED TO BE PERFECT,

AND FAKE TO BE BEAUTIFUL!

I honestly felt like throwing my mirror across the room and watching it smash to a million pieces,

I would have loved to break my hand breaking that mirror if it reminded me that I am a beautiful person,

because I did believe that before,

I believed I was a beautiful princess who deserved a man who would see me as a beautiful queen.

But instead of destroying that mirror I did something else,

I looked back in the mirror,

and looked harder at myself,

and this is what I saw,

1. My eyes are a mix of blue, gold, grey, and are extremely unique

2. My nose is perfectly sized for my nose ring to sit in a place that brings summitry to my face

3. My eyebrows make my eyes pop when I manage them

4. My lips are the perfect shape to show more emotion than I could imagine

5. My waist size is healthy

6. My boobs are proportionate and if I wanted them to get any bigger I would have to gain more weight

7. My body is more than the sexualized image of what a women should be

8. I am beautiful

9. I am pretty

10. I am unique

11 years to this day…(poem #25)

Maybe someday you will see,

how many chances you got,

and how many you crushed in the palm of your hand,

but you will never see,

the tears you forced me to cry,

and how every time you didn’t show,

a small part of me died,

because I looked at the world with big eyes,

and open arms,

and open hands,

but every time I reached out to you,

you slapped it away,

and replaced it with a materialistic world,

filled with drugs,

filled with alcohol,

filled with girls,

filled with sex,

filled with everything that has kept you where you are now…

You see you could be so much better,

and do so much more,

I’m not the only one who can go far,

I know this…

because you were my motivation,

when my world fell apart,

because when it got hard you didn’t give up,

you kept moving forward,

and you stood tall…

at least in the eyes of a scared 8 year old girl you did…

But that 8 year old girl is gone now,

She has grown up,

Been throw shit by the world,

been spit on,

stepped on,

pushed down

and had everything that you would hate to hear thrown in your face,

yeah she’s heard it all,

felt all the pain,

and for the longest time because you left she felt she deserved to be treated that way…

you see she felt unloved,

uncared for,

and worthless…

but now thing are different,

that little girl she grew,

she now sees what

love,

respect,

and worthiness are,

so today she is standing up for herself,

and that means to you to,

so here it is….

I am done chasing after the dream that you will come home,

No longer will I wait for you behind a curtain,

and cry when you don’t show,

I am done reaching out my hands and my heart,

Because you no longer have the right to break them,

It’s on you now,

You can come to me,

and find out what the meaning of family is,

because just because I am done chasing….

that doesn’t mean I’m done waiting….

So I will wait right here for you,

for you to come home,

because today marks the 11th year that I have waited,

and that was 11 years too long,

because you can’t chase a person who is running away,

you just have to wait,

for the day they grow tired,

and they come back,

for good,

forever,

no more so-long…