What I can’t forgive you for (Poem #85)

I stood up the other day,

but I couldn’t look you in the eye,

because you took more than my trust,

you took my friend away,

and that is what I can’t forgive you for…

The tears we must cry…(Poem #82)

I know it is late,

and that nothing makes sense,

and that tears streaming down my face are just streams of confusion,

but I can’t help it,

I can’t hold it in,

the tears must fall,

and I must cry,

but for tonight will you hold me tight,

so that my tears will be the only thing falling apart.

I already know(Poem #81)

I don’t understand why you don’t get it

I don’t want to see your face,

I don’t want to hear your voice,

or speak your name!

Let alone sit across from you,

look into your cold eyes,

and listen as you say those lies,

that I wanted this,

That somehow this is all my fault!

I don’t need  you to say it,

I already know,

the lies are screamed in my face,

and they drip down the mirrors,

as my tears stain my face,

I can already see,

You throwing this in my face is unnecessary,

because I already can’t forgive me.

Let me tell you my story….(Poem #66)

Pain isn’t a feeling,

it is a disease,

It spreads…..it’s contagious,

It is stronger than me.

Because pain,

it knows your heartache,

because it comes as everything you ever wanted,

til you gave it control.

So suddenly it can make the devil become the hands of a man,

and man who had the power I could never have.

And it told me my body wasn’t even my own,

it said, “You’r ass is too small…your thighs are too big…you call those tits??? You’re fucking kidding me???”

And I’ll only promote you if you give me EVERYTHING.

What happened to my body being my temple?

I’ll tell you right now…

that temple was broken into 

and torn down

on that hot summer day

in the heat of the sun

against the back of that forwheeler

when I couldn’t run….

You see I could tell you the make and the model,

because in that moment I focused on everything but the temple that was starting to break,

and at the age of 13 I didn’t know the power I had….

And since then I never have.

Since then I gave up my power to say no…

Cuz I’m a good little girl!

SO SPANK ME, HIT ME, CUT ME, SLAP ME,

DO WHAT YOU WANT

I DON’T CARE IF IT HURTS

I DON’T CARE IF I BLEED,

BECAUSE I LOVE IT DADDY

YES! YES! PLEASE!

Yes rough sex is better for me,

because the physical pain is better than watching my soul struggle to breath,

from the fact that all I ever wanted was mommy and daddy to love me….

So fuck me and bruise me,

and do what you want to,

because what’ a little whore like me going to do?

At leaset that’s what they tell me,

as society pins me to the bed.

They tell me I’m worthless,

and better off dead.

That women are lesser,

and I have to decide,

between loving a man and a women

or else I should hide,

Hid the emotion,

and the attraction I feel,

because that doesn’t exsist…

That not actually how I feel….

The world is black and white darling,

don’t you see,

a man marries a woman

they have babies

and you stay home and clean.

You know what I say to that?

FUCK THAT!!!

FUCK YOUR SOCIETAL NORMS!!

I will not let you oppress me,

You will not be that hands that cover my screams,

because I can scream loud,

you can not overpower me!

I’m a force to be reckoned with,

and a voice to be heard,

cuz hell hath no fury like a woman scorn,

and lastly,

believe heaven won’t take me,

and I can’t step foot in hell,

because the devil ain’t ready to deal with this little whore!

Sorry for the Darkness (Poem #47)

They were right,

All of this feels the same again,

The sun may be shining but I do not feel it’s heat,

I do not rejoice in it’s light,

because when I got out of bed this morning,

all I could look forward to was getting back into it,

knowing I wouldn’t be able to sleep,

but rather just lay there in a permanent state of numbness…

You see I was doing ok,

I was fine,

and then I couldn’t stop it,

The tears started and never stopped,

because even when I am walking my heart keeps crying,

and my eyes they are dull,

they show nothing,

because all I feel…

IS NOTHING AT ALL.

I mean I know this will be over soon,

at least I hope it will,

because this time it isn’t as bad,

yet I still feel the need to apologize to everyone who sees me,

because it feels like they can see the dark cloud around me,

and I don’t want to ruin their sunshine,

but how can you not when all you want to do is get out of the rain?

I want to get out…

I WANT OUT!

I want to actually feel again,

not feel the ripples of the emotions I used to have,

I want them to be back.

So that is why I told you,

I told you I was falling apart,

So I am sorry for the darkness my love,

but please don’t be afraid of the dark,

it isn’t here to hurt you,

it’s here to torture me,

because you represent everything that is opposite of it to me,

So while I lay here in the darkness,

and I feel your warm on my neck,

I remember what it feel like when the sun beats down on me,

and I know I will get out of this again…

An ode to Jimmy Hendrix (poem #41)

I applaud you Mr. Hendrix,

for what you did truly was revolutionary,

you see you became an image of a melted society,

you showed the world a culture that it had never known,

you showed the world what it could be,

a world unlike our own.

But they refuted you Mr. Hendrix,

that spat in your face and called you names,

because the society that you represented did not have a name,

so the whites thought you were a genius,

and where showing them what black culture was like,

yet the blacks called you a “white nigger”

and didn’t want you in their sight.

This was because Mr. Hendrix,

you were something completely new,

you showed the world what hybridization was,

through just being you.

You see you became the melting pot Mr. Hendrix,

you were the man who showed what the world should be,

a culture filled with everyone’s culture,

in just one human being.

So Mr. Hendrix,

what did society do,

they scrutinized you Mr. Hendrix,

because they didn’t know what to do.

They didn’t know what to do with a man,

who represented so much more,

that didn’t fit into their god damn boxes,

who wouldn’t confide to their reform,

becuase the stereotypes weren’t working,

and their minds couldn not understand,

a man does not have to be a single culture,

rather he is a mixture of the cultures he understands,

and they wanted so deeply to label you,

but nothing seemed to stick,

because Mr. Hendrix you were the body of reform,

the man without a culture,

that had yet been known to man,

you were the melting pot Mr. Hendrix,

and for that I applaud you,

thank you my good man.

A colorful world (poem #31)

I wish we could all see the world,

Like everyone should,

A view without judgement,

A world that is not colorblind,

But embraces the color,

And actually see the differences as beauty,

rather than faults.

A world that sees everyone as individuals,

not as numbers,

or as just another face in the crowd,

but a face that represents a story,

and memories,

and scares,

but that all of that doesn’t define the person,

rather just improves them and brought them to where they are today.

Because the world isn’t colorless,

it is filled with color,

and pain,

and joy,

and memories,

the world is filled with people,

individuals,

beating hearts,

that are all here for a very beautifully unique reason,

and I would never ever want the world to be seen in a different way!

So this is how it feel…(poem #14)

So this is how it feels,

when disaster strikes,

and everything you knew disappeared…

There is an overwhelming fear ,

and pain for what has been lost.

It would be easier if it was something materialistic,

like a house,

or jewelry,

but no this is worse…

this is much worse….

You see a house can be rebuilt with blueprint,

and Jewelry can be bought again,

but what happens when the walls you built,

and everything you called yourself 

suddenly gets thrown open and apart,

and you look around and all you see is the rubble of what you were,

every brick was a part of you,

and every stone you pick up brings back all the memories,

all the pain,

all the joy,

all the fears,

they bring back EVERYTHING!!

and you can’t hide from them anymore,

you’re skeletons are amoungst the rubble,

and you feel like you are living in a class house,

and all you want to do is cry out,

and fall to your knees and give up,

but as you fall you find the one brick that reminds you why you keep trying…

Suddenly there is a hand helping you stand up now,

and a voice saying “let’s keep that one”,

then you understand,

the tornado didn’t come to destroy you,

just destroy what you thought you were,

because what you thought was holding you back from who you could be,

the walls were too high and blinding you from the sun,

so yes the rubble is scary,

and as you rebuild yourself you will get cuts,

and splinters,

and bruises,

and scares,

and bleed a lot…

but in the end it will all be worth it,

because the sun will be shining on you from now on,

and you will have learned to dance in the rain,

and learn that some part of your house can be glass,

and that the things that held you back before can be thrown away,

and only the pieces you want to keep will be used,

because now you get to decide who you will be!

I deserve this….(poem #7)

What do you do,
When your cries fall on deaf ears?
Or minds that have no time for you?
Or any consideration of your being?

So what am I to do…
I did what I could with what I had,
and yet I still fall short…
like usual….

You would think I would be used to this,
Seeing as most of the plans I have made have fallen apart, of course last minute due to the fact that life provided something remotely more satisfying than calming my ever raging heart or putting a smile on the face that has seen more tears than there are lightning-bugs in this dreadful night sky…i guess I do get it..I get there there is something better….yet everyday I am told that I am deserving of love, admiration and the world…..but I guess the world fell short and stopped turning long enough to show me that really, even though I may deserve it,I won’t get shit…so maybe this cry falls on deaf ears but at least I am trying….because giving up looks smooth right now…but that isn’t me…so as the world heeds on I will take every baby step toward tomorrow with a pain in my heart and hurt in my eyes…because I deserve it…I deserve this….

I deserve this…right? You know what I have learned…that no matter how many times you are told you deserve the best everything that happens to come close ends…it always ends….so no matter how many times I remember my mother telling me I deserve someone who will show me that I am the reason the stars shine in the sky…yet I can’t even find someone who is willing to try…because every moment when I go to write down on this paper words of happiness and joy you snatch the pen out of my hand..somehow the world has this sick twisted way of taking everything positive in our life and staining it with tears and heartache so someday we except the pamphlets they hand out on street corners that tell us how much we are worth…and they never say you are worth the world…they always say the same thing….you aren’t pretty enough, you aren’t smart enough, you need to do better, damn it stop crying, you need to be stronger, why can’t you see that you are worthless…..they tell us we are worthless….and the saddest part is we believe this…and someday we replace the pen we used to write words of joy with a razor that covers our arms and screams words of pain…so don’t tell me I deserve the world darling…because I know I do…..I know I do…..

I know I do…..

When you hit the floor (Poem #1)

I am sitting here trying to think,

Trying to write words of happiness and not those of pain,

Yet all I see is you,

Your body quivering….

shaking….

Darling why did you do this to yourself….

Why bring yourself to this point?

Please stop it…please

I know I can’t cry now…

I have to be strong enough to get you through this….

but can’t you see you are breaking my heart….

 

STOP IT!

JUST STOP!

You are not okay….

You are not fine…

We all see through the front you are putting up…

We are here to help you…

Why must you do this…..

Why can’t you just let us help?

 

No I will not leave you alone,

You can’t see yourself

The state you are in,

So just let me get you what you need….

And no it isn’t just a night’s rest,

or a cup of water…

YOU NEED HELP!

 

I’m not here to get you in trouble

And it hurts me that as I reach my hand out to help you shriek in fear

I don’t care what you did up until now,

Just let me help you…

Your life…your safety…isn’t worth your pride…

 

They’re here…

The lights have come,

As I see them enter and head your way a sigh of relief protrudes from my lips,

but yet this sense of satisfaction hasn’t arrived,

You are still in pain…

You are still fighting back…

And this moment stains my mind

It drags across my eyes as they bring you out…

Because I know that this moment will change you…

as it has changed me…

Except I won’t be the one waking up alone in a hospital bed….alone…

I won’t be the one who won’t remember what happened

or grasping at straws….

I will remember this night

Just like your friends will

just like your family will remember the pain of finding out later that you were sent to a hospital…

but we can’t tell them where…

 

You see what haunts me most isn’t that you did this to yourself….

it is the fact that you did this to everyone else around you…

that you were willing to hurt others in the name of having a good time…

so this pain…..this is on you….

yet……you won’t see that until later….

 

Just know we care…….

We wish you well….

 

So get well soon…

rest your eyes….

and learn from this….

please learn from this….