Nothing will suffice (Poem #125)

There are no amount of pain killers,

Alcohol,

Or weed,

That can mask this breaking heart.

No time,

Narcotic,

Or hallucinogen

That can overpower the darkness that is losing your love.

No words,

No signs of affection,

Or self inflicted wounds,

That will make create answers as to how you fell out of love.

You became the beat to my heart,

The air to my lungs,

The breath to my life,

And now all you are is a void nothing will fill…

Forward is the only Option(Poem #88)

I feel like a broken record,

spinning of it’s track.

Like a railway car,

that wants to turn back,

but has figured out that the tracks I have been on have fallen apart,

and that forward is the only way to go,

even if it is into a tunnel,

without any sign of an end,

pushing forward is the only option,

til you reach a dead end……

Why I can’t go back…(Poem #79)

I would pick up the blade,

but I can’t,

I can’t bring myself to it again,

It isn’t the blood,

or the pain,

the scares,

or the dirty looks,

or the stares,

or the stigma…

It’s the effect it has on me inside,

I can’t bring myself to hate myself again,

to look at my body in disgust and distaste,

because slowly

but surely,

I am seeing myself as beautiful!

The fear of a little girl (Poem #43)

What is fear?

Why do we give it so much power over us?

And every time that we try to push it away,

it grasps at our throat and reminds us of the pain it can cause,

and how no matter how much we beg for it to let go,

it will decide when it will…

Why?

Why do we let this permeate our life?

If you ask me I am done with fear…

DONE!

I am sick of feeling like a scared little girl who is hiding under the blankets,

because somehow those blankets were supposed to soften the screams..

I AM DONE WITH THAT!

Fear will not control me,

I will not walk down the streets in fear that every person I see may hurt me,

I will not fear the figures I have always have,

they will not longer have the power…

You see we only give fear the power if we show it that we not nothing more than to breath while it is still in our lives…

Instead we need to show fear what we truly can do,

so instead of it pinning us to a wall,

we will stand up and show you who is bigger,

and who is in control…

I WILL CONTROL MY LIFE!

NOT MY FEARS,

NOT MY MEMORIES,

ME!

AND ME ALONE!

life quote photo: Quote tumblr_lao776rP8m1qc5fudo1_500.jpg

The things I have to thank you for…(poem #30)

I haven’t talked to you in over a month now,

       at first your anger hurt,

           but now I don’t mine it,

Because well, now you don’t really mean that much to me,

you are just a part of my past,

but still I feel like I need to thank you for a few things.

The things I have to thank you for…

1. My backbone, 

because we all know that the shit you put me through forced me to get one.

2. The songs I never heard,

The songs that used to not make sense,

You see they all make sense now,

and they have nothing to do with you…..

(and if they do I hope that they are the songs SCREAM MY NAME when you hears)

3. Fresh eyes to look at the world,

All the tears I cried over you really did cause my eyes to open,

and see that I deserve WAY more than you.

4. The fight in my soul,

You see how you ended it with me reminded me that I can fight back,

and that no one can control me,

like you did…..

5. My desire to only look forward,

Because let’s be honest all that looking back shows me 

is pain

mistakes

fights

screaming

and memories I can live without….

6. My heartache and heartbreak,

because when I fell apart,

guess who was the only one left to put me back together?

Yeah, that’s right, 

I WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE!

So guess who decided what I would become?

ME!!!

7. Showing me that what I thought I wanted wasn’t really what I needed….

Do I really need to explain this one?

8. That you showed me that tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life!

9. Lastly, that because of you,

I enjoy every day with him so so much more,

and enjoy the love he shows me,

Because HE DESERVES ME,

UNLIKE YOU!

Like the rain (Poem #23)

Yes I remember,

I remember what it is like to feel,

to cry,

to lose myself in the sound of the rain,

I remember the feeling of the tears,

mixing with the raindrops,

and how the thunder muffled my screams,

and how hard it poured,

how much I wanted so badly to just have the rain wash me away,

yes I remember all of that…

I remember how it all began,

and how far it went,

and how dark it got,

and how many people I pushed away,

I also remember how many people left,

or said I just wanted attention,

but that wasn’t it.

I remember it like a knife,

cutting through my wrist,

like it once did,

but that is the thing,

I remember it,

I don’t feel it now,

I don’t want the rain to melt me,

Instead I dance in it,

and smile as the water rushes down my cheeks,

because the rain means a renewal,

and new day,

and growth.

I have moved on,

I have moved forward,

and yeah sometimes the dark clouds come back,

but I can know that the sun is hiding right behind it,

and that the glow of the moon is enough to show me through the night.

Because I am more than my depression every way,

and more than it ever will be,

because I am me,

and that is pretty damn great if you ask me.

So this is how it feel…(poem #14)

So this is how it feels,

when disaster strikes,

and everything you knew disappeared…

There is an overwhelming fear ,

and pain for what has been lost.

It would be easier if it was something materialistic,

like a house,

or jewelry,

but no this is worse…

this is much worse….

You see a house can be rebuilt with blueprint,

and Jewelry can be bought again,

but what happens when the walls you built,

and everything you called yourself 

suddenly gets thrown open and apart,

and you look around and all you see is the rubble of what you were,

every brick was a part of you,

and every stone you pick up brings back all the memories,

all the pain,

all the joy,

all the fears,

they bring back EVERYTHING!!

and you can’t hide from them anymore,

you’re skeletons are amoungst the rubble,

and you feel like you are living in a class house,

and all you want to do is cry out,

and fall to your knees and give up,

but as you fall you find the one brick that reminds you why you keep trying…

Suddenly there is a hand helping you stand up now,

and a voice saying “let’s keep that one”,

then you understand,

the tornado didn’t come to destroy you,

just destroy what you thought you were,

because what you thought was holding you back from who you could be,

the walls were too high and blinding you from the sun,

so yes the rubble is scary,

and as you rebuild yourself you will get cuts,

and splinters,

and bruises,

and scares,

and bleed a lot…

but in the end it will all be worth it,

because the sun will be shining on you from now on,

and you will have learned to dance in the rain,

and learn that some part of your house can be glass,

and that the things that held you back before can be thrown away,

and only the pieces you want to keep will be used,

because now you get to decide who you will be!

Signed Sincerely with Love(poem #13)

As I sit in my room,

Alone…

waiting for something magical to happen,

or a light-bulb to appear,

I know something is happening,

even if it is deep inside.

It is something beautiful,

yet it is scary,

and I don’t know how to react.

Because how do you tell someone that you are willing to drop everything to make them happy,

or that somehow no matter how far away they are you can still feel them,

and that no matter how you feel there is something that aches once they leave…

How do you tell them that…..

Or even worse how do you tell them that no matter what they did to you,

you forgive them…

but somehow you don’t want them anymore…

and that you need to move on with your life,

and that for some reason they aren’t going to be as big of a part of it…

and that no matter how bad it hurt you,

they did leave,

and you tried waiting for them,

but you can’t wait for a superhero,

because superheros aren’t real,

and they won’t come flying in to save you…

Because songs like these aren’t real,

the world tears you apart,

and takes the things you hold dear and shreds them,

just to show you that you can go on without them…

that somehow you were strong enough all along on your own,

and that you need to stop taking them in like medicine,

because you aren’t sick,

you are healthy and strong,

and you are the only thing holding you back.

So I would have followed you where you go,

but I can’t…

I just couldn’t do that for you….

I thought I could,

but I see now that I wasn’t supposed to,

and I guess why I am saying this, 

all these months later,

is because I have been to scared to say it before…

that maybe I am better off without you,

and that we weren’t meant to be like we thought…

But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you…

It just means that I need to care about me too,

and that sometimes the things that tastes the sweetest at the time are the things that are rotting us away…

So when you got on that plane,

and you flew away into your life…

just know I didn’t hold any resentment,

and that I did cry many tears,

because I knew in that moment that our life had said goodbye,

And that the next day when I awoke I cried even more,

because walking away from a three year relationship wasn’t something easy to do,

and neither was seeing the pictures of you in your dress blues….

So I respect you my dear,

and rightfully so,

but it’s time for me to say goodbye,

and both of us to let go…

Because my life is getting better now,

and I still wish you were here,

but as a friend not a lover,

but that is something I fear,

I fear you can’t handle that,

and that you will lose sight of what we are now….

because we never will be together again….

and we are over now.

So I salute you my soldier,

I applaud you honorable marine,

but please move on now,

go find what you need..

Because I found what I need,

And I am moving on with my life,

and I am learning what happiness is,

I’m learning what it means to live life…..

and that is what I want for you,

I want you to see,

the beauty in the flowers

and the smiles in the breeze…

Because you deserve happiness,

and you deserve love,

but that isn’t something I can give you,

I’m sorry.

Signed sincerely….with love.

Close your lips (poem #10)

Please stop,

Just don’t even try anymore,

You don’t know me darling,

You don’t know my life…

So before you open your mouth,

and start to spread lies about my life,

look at the facts…

The last time we talked was years ago,

The only things you see that I say are on social media,

and the stories you hear are from people who don’t care,

don’t like me,

or just don’t understand me…

So please just close your precious lips,

and focus on something more important to you.

Because I shouldn’t be…

because you aren’t important to me….

But I forgive you don’t worry,

because I don’t live in the past….

and that is were you are to me now…

In my past….

And you will never be a part of my future,

or the beautiful thing I will become…

So it is your lose hun….

But for your own sake,

stop the lies,

close your mouth,

open your mind,

and move on…