I thought of you today…(poem #35)

Here are the instances I thought of you today:

I thought of you when I walked back to my room to go to bed,

and how you saying goodnight reminded me that I am the last person you talked to today.

I thought of you whenever i look down at my phone,

and I see those big brown eyes look up at me,

and those eyes entrance me.

I thought of you as I stood in line at starbucks with my pink bag in hand,

and how you would make fun of me for being a “basic white girl”.

I thought of you as I took a nap,

and grabbed the stuffed animal you bought me,

and how happy it made me that you bought something for me because you thought I would like it,

and becuase you knew it would have a meaning to me.

I thought of you as I saw you walk away to go volunteer,

and how honorable that is,

and how amazing it is that you give your time to others

even when you have so little time for yourself.

I thought of you today when I got out of the shower,

and saw my makeup running down my face,

and how you would still call me beautiful.

I thought of you when I took a sip of my peppermint mocha,

and how much you loved the peppermint hot chocolate I made you,

and how you give me the same warm feeling that drinking it did.

I thought of you with every love song my spotify station is playing as I write this,

because I know now that I am hopelessly falling in love with you,

and every part of you.

I thought of you as I wrote an assignment for class about traveling,

and how I want to go see the world,

but it would be so lonely if you weren’t there.

I thought of you today…

and I never stopped.

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A new way of drowning (Poem #33)

I need to be honest right now,

This feeling that I am having,

I can’t even describe it…

And that is kind of scary to me,

because I am a writer,

I am the person who takes the indescribable

and finds the perfect words to say…

But somehow you have found a way to take away my voice,

to have everything blur together,

and have words not be able to come close to explaining how I feel.

love quotes photo: Life Quotes Life_Quotes_oceanquote-1.jpg

But I am still stubborn,

so that means I am going to try…

So here it goes.

I feel like I am floating,

yet I am being pulled under by the current,

and it is pulling me toward the deeper end,

and slowly taking the shores away that I have become so comfortable with,

I am drifting farther and farther away from the world I knew,

the world that defined me til now,

I am slowly drowning,

but no matter how much I hate not breathing,

it is a drowning that I almost love,

Because even though the thing I held onto to keep me “alive”

was actually slowly poisoning me,

but I was too scared to look elsewhere,

So as the water fills my lungs,

instead of gasping for air,

I am learning how to breath again.

You have opened up my eyes to my new life,

and even though the shore was my home now,

you made me into a mermaid,

and I love how the water feels between my fingers,

I love the feeling of being surrounded by feelings,

and by memories that depending on the lighting show something different.

I love the way that you lead me into a word that is deeper,

and more meaningful than I have ever seen,

because I lived on the surface and thought that the deeper I went the darker life would get,

but it has been the opposite,

the deeper I go,

the lighter I feel.

You see,

you took a world I new,

and showed me that there is more,

that there truly is more than 90% of my life that has been undiscovered,

but discovering it won’t be so scary,

because you will always be there for me,

discovering it with me,

and learning about the world,

one ray of light at a time,

one “we’ll see at a time”.

Dear Mom and Dad (poem #20)

My daddy looks at me and sees me cry,

Yet the tears are broken,

and falling with each passing minute,

every hour,

every second of every day,

from my heart that is breaking,

because I don’t have the words to say…

Because “I love you” doesn’t heal wounds,

we aren’t willing to have healed,

and scars still remind us of what it really means to feel.

So I’m sorry daddy,

I’m sorry I am crying,

but for years you didn’t see it,

your daughter was dying,

she was losing all hope,

in this thing called love,

because all that she ever saw it represented as was spit out at hear,

she was told she was worthless,

and that she was a whore,

she was told by her mother that she didn’t want her anymore.

So daddy and mommy,

I’m sorry,

I really am,

that it took me so long to figure out who I am,

and that these words have to be written on a page,

because otherwise I would be screaming them in your face,

and that somehow now you see that this was ment to be the place.

That the screaming matches meant something,

and I had to leave for you to see,

that your daughter she means something,

and she is stronger than she seems,

that her tears came from heartache,

that she was willing to endure,

because heartache meant maybe love was something,

and that her insanity could be cured.

Now mommy and daddy I forgive you,

I really do,

because holding on to grudges is something I won’t do,

they aren’t worth my time,

they aren’t worth my tears,

and moving forward is what I need,

that will end my fear. 

Now forgive yourself please,

there is no point to living in the past,

the words were already spoken,

there is nothing more we can do,

except move on,

because the music is still playing,

and this is my song.

Mommy and daddy,

I want you to see,

the things that all these years I have been searching for,

is real,

it’s a thing,

love does exist,

but it comes from trial and pain,

so don’t give up on it yet,

fight the storm,

fight the waves,

because giving up is easy,

and running you can only go so far,

but love is timeless,

space-less,

and overcome all.

So maybe you will see it,

like I did too,

because I love you mommy and daddy,

and I am sorry for what I did to you…

2 am (Poem #5)

It’s 2 am,

And I am lying here,

Listening to love songs,

That words scream like rain,

And they tear down the walls,

They rip apart my castle,

Somehow the smoke I have tried so hard to create,

falls…

I can’t help it,

Each smile becomes a cannon ball that smashes every fear,

All my insecurities,

When it comes to love,

joy,

and tomorrow.

So at 2 am,

While I lay here alone,

Surrounded by butterfly notes,

kissing my cheeks,

And tear of joy,

twinkle down my cheeks,

I can’t help but know that something…

something real and beautiful is happening…

and honey if this is what falling for someone feels like,

I wish I had known before,

because the walls I had up,

They should have fallen like Babel,

Because the free fall is worth it,

And the fear of not knowing what tomorrow brings,

is no longer scary….

but rather exciting…

and beautiful….

Just like you….