In 5-10 Years: Imagine that (Poem #158)

(Four consecutive poems written based upon Timothy Wilson’s Best Possible Self Reflection in his book Redirect. Written in the perspective of myself in 5-10 years reflecting upon where my life has taken me)

Wednesday: 
Dear Diary, 
 I'm getting tired of this,
 Waking up feeling ill,
 Stomach churning and head spinning.
 So I walked to the doctor,
 And explained quietly to the nurse,
 The corner of her mouth raised as she handed me a test,
 "I'll wait in here just set it there, and we should known soon enough"
 So I'm sitting here now starring at the pamphlets on the wall,
 Thinking to myself how I even got here at all,
 My job as a Social Justice and Human Resources consultants,
 Provides me with the benefits I have,
 I can take a day off,
 Go to the doctor who is not to far,
 And sit here praying to some god that there isn't something wrong,
 The doctor knocks softly,
 Causing me to jump,
 Pamphlets in his hand each with a baby on the front,
 I feel my eyes start watering,
 From fear and solid cheer, 
 "Miss, I must inform you that you are pregnant,
 Here's some information here..."
 As he drones on softly,
 I cup my stomach in my hand,
 We've been trying for this for some time now,
 We almost gave up too,
 But this fluttering beat inside my heart
 Means our wish has finally come true.

Thursday:
Dear Diary,
 We finalized my schedule today,
 Planned ahead for the last eight months,
 Truly it is bittersweet,
 To leave what I have worked so get for,
 I discussed doing online schooling,
 Until the baby can go to school,
 Which seems silly,
 I have received three diplomas in my life,
 What will one more do?
 But as my bosses eyes light up,
 As the idea popped in her head,
 "What if you worked from home,
 Changed it up and consulted for us instead,
 I know you love to travel,
 But this way you can stay with the baby until then."
 A soft twinkle hit my eye,
 A tear if you must know,
 For I am giving up consulting across the world,
 With companies unknown,
 A few less trips to Europe,
 No more late nights in Peru,
 Rather a computer screen at home,
 Instructing others how to do what I do,
 And once our meeting finished,
 I realized what I had,
 I might be changing how I do my job,
 But I have another one at hand.
 
Friday:
Dear Diary,
 I told him today,
 That our lives were going to change for the better,
 He looked confused as he sipped his cup of coffee,
 Then kissed me on the cheeks and was on his way,
 I heard the motorcycle leave the driveways,
 Smiled a sneaky smile,
 And proceeded with the plan...
 
 I surprised him at work today,
 Picked him up in our car,
 And drove him to the pier,
 Handed him a letter and waited for what I would hear,
 He tore the seal,
 My heart stopped as he mumbled the words to himself,
 One second, two seconds, three seconds...four seconds...five seconds,
 The a pause,
 His eyes grew wide,
 The paper floated softly from his hands,
 A flash,
 A warm embrace, 
 Tears,
 No words...just happiness and fear beautifully wrapped into one.

Saturday:
Dear Diary,
 The happiness seems short lived,
 We agree on nothing,
 The first argument of many about our future,
 "I have to work,"
 "You don't have to work overtime,"
 "The money isn't there,"
 "This is why we saved up,"
 "But what if something happens,"
 "Nothing ever does,"
 "Our place isn't big enough,"
 "It's a baby it doesn't need much room"
 "But what about when it grows up"
 "Stop screaming at me!"
 "Why are you crying"
 "I'm not ready..."
 "Neither am I..."
 "But we have to be..."
 "I love you..."
 "I love you too"
 
Sunday:
Dear Diary,
 We stayed in bed today,
 Just a little bit later than normal,
 Soaked in the Sun,
 And cherished moments of silent bliss,
 Filling out minds with muffled giggles and pounding hearts,
 In a way doing nothing was a way of celebrating,
 The fact that we have gotten this far,
 His job is going well,
 The promotion is all lined up,
 Financially we have nothing to worry about,
 Getting my masters was worth it,
 If it means I can do this for the next five years,
 As the gentle pulse in my stomach becomes pattering feet upon the hardwood floor,
 Yes breaking my back at work was worth the moment,
 That he placed his hand upon my stomach this morning,
 A sleepy smile spreading across his face,
 And whispered,
    "Hey there little one,
     I can't wait to see you,
     And hold you in my arms,
     But you have to do me a favor,
     As your dad,
     I want you to be nicer to your mom,
     And stop making her so ill,
     We are all super excited to meet you,
     But little baby you need to chill."
 And as he coos so softly,
 Feeling a small pulse beneath his hands,
 I release the sigh of relief,
 For the journey and the blessings I have. 
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Not all angels are good (Poem #67)

Not all people are evil,

Just like not all angels are good,

Because the angel of death isn’t looked upon with glory,

He just does his job. 

And the Angels on chariots,

Ride around to say that are world is chaotic

and will soon come to an end.

Don’t tell me that our saints weren’t sinners at heart,

Because we all know they were,

We just don’t focus on that part.

So don’t tell me all angels are good,

And all people are bad,

Because even thought there are some bad ones,

And a lot that will hurt us,

There is more to be said,

For the humans that walk this earth are just wondering…

Waiting…

To know what life has in store,

on the globe that keeps spinning more and more.

So not all people are evil,

And even the ones that claim they are can’t be,

Because we are all simply human,

And that is all we know,

That is all we can see,

And being human is being beautifully chaotic,

and in the middle of good and bad dreams!

Sorry for the Darkness (Poem #47)

They were right,

All of this feels the same again,

The sun may be shining but I do not feel it’s heat,

I do not rejoice in it’s light,

because when I got out of bed this morning,

all I could look forward to was getting back into it,

knowing I wouldn’t be able to sleep,

but rather just lay there in a permanent state of numbness…

You see I was doing ok,

I was fine,

and then I couldn’t stop it,

The tears started and never stopped,

because even when I am walking my heart keeps crying,

and my eyes they are dull,

they show nothing,

because all I feel…

IS NOTHING AT ALL.

I mean I know this will be over soon,

at least I hope it will,

because this time it isn’t as bad,

yet I still feel the need to apologize to everyone who sees me,

because it feels like they can see the dark cloud around me,

and I don’t want to ruin their sunshine,

but how can you not when all you want to do is get out of the rain?

I want to get out…

I WANT OUT!

I want to actually feel again,

not feel the ripples of the emotions I used to have,

I want them to be back.

So that is why I told you,

I told you I was falling apart,

So I am sorry for the darkness my love,

but please don’t be afraid of the dark,

it isn’t here to hurt you,

it’s here to torture me,

because you represent everything that is opposite of it to me,

So while I lay here in the darkness,

and I feel your warm on my neck,

I remember what it feel like when the sun beats down on me,

and I know I will get out of this again…

The little things…(poem #28)

Why do we put so much significance into specific actions,

Seriously, why does a hug mean more than a simply “I hope your day is going ok”,

Or why a longing glance is insignificant compared to a hug,

It baffles me,

because it shouldn’t matter as long as it is done out of love,

and caring,

and compassion,

So that cup of tea that they poured for you,

is just to show that they care,

So don’t miss out on the little things,

Because your eyes are only looking for a romantic sunset,

that the light of day is overlooked,

and you lose out on all the joys that you could have had that day.

Land of the Dreamers (poem #26)

People often question why I do what I do,

It doesn’t make sense to them,

Why I feel everything I do,

and I risk so much,

But there is a good reason,

I promise,

However,

that doesn’t mean it makes sense to you,

because it is just as crazy as why I feel what I do,

It’s because I live in the world of dreamers,

that maybe someday it will be better,

and that it will all work out,

a land where good always wins,

and where love is enough,

where happiness isn’t based off of success,

but rather on the state of the heart,

I live in a world of possibilities,

In a land of never end dreams,

You see I live,

in the land of tomorrow!

Strength is…(poem #18)

Strength isn’t about never showing your fears,

or never crying,

or holding on too long.

Strength is about

letting go when it is the right time,

about showing when you are scared,

but powering through it anyways,

about holding on to til the right time,

about showing others you have fears,

but they will not control you.

Strength is being yourself,

no matter what,

no matter how hard it is…

Strength is YOU!

Signed Sincerely with Love(poem #13)

As I sit in my room,

Alone…

waiting for something magical to happen,

or a light-bulb to appear,

I know something is happening,

even if it is deep inside.

It is something beautiful,

yet it is scary,

and I don’t know how to react.

Because how do you tell someone that you are willing to drop everything to make them happy,

or that somehow no matter how far away they are you can still feel them,

and that no matter how you feel there is something that aches once they leave…

How do you tell them that…..

Or even worse how do you tell them that no matter what they did to you,

you forgive them…

but somehow you don’t want them anymore…

and that you need to move on with your life,

and that for some reason they aren’t going to be as big of a part of it…

and that no matter how bad it hurt you,

they did leave,

and you tried waiting for them,

but you can’t wait for a superhero,

because superheros aren’t real,

and they won’t come flying in to save you…

Because songs like these aren’t real,

the world tears you apart,

and takes the things you hold dear and shreds them,

just to show you that you can go on without them…

that somehow you were strong enough all along on your own,

and that you need to stop taking them in like medicine,

because you aren’t sick,

you are healthy and strong,

and you are the only thing holding you back.

So I would have followed you where you go,

but I can’t…

I just couldn’t do that for you….

I thought I could,

but I see now that I wasn’t supposed to,

and I guess why I am saying this, 

all these months later,

is because I have been to scared to say it before…

that maybe I am better off without you,

and that we weren’t meant to be like we thought…

But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you…

It just means that I need to care about me too,

and that sometimes the things that tastes the sweetest at the time are the things that are rotting us away…

So when you got on that plane,

and you flew away into your life…

just know I didn’t hold any resentment,

and that I did cry many tears,

because I knew in that moment that our life had said goodbye,

And that the next day when I awoke I cried even more,

because walking away from a three year relationship wasn’t something easy to do,

and neither was seeing the pictures of you in your dress blues….

So I respect you my dear,

and rightfully so,

but it’s time for me to say goodbye,

and both of us to let go…

Because my life is getting better now,

and I still wish you were here,

but as a friend not a lover,

but that is something I fear,

I fear you can’t handle that,

and that you will lose sight of what we are now….

because we never will be together again….

and we are over now.

So I salute you my soldier,

I applaud you honorable marine,

but please move on now,

go find what you need..

Because I found what I need,

And I am moving on with my life,

and I am learning what happiness is,

I’m learning what it means to live life…..

and that is what I want for you,

I want you to see,

the beauty in the flowers

and the smiles in the breeze…

Because you deserve happiness,

and you deserve love,

but that isn’t something I can give you,

I’m sorry.

Signed sincerely….with love.