Love’s War (Poem #165)

Do you believe in love, baby?Because I do.

I believe in blue skies, with flower crowns, and birds chirping so soft you could swoon.

I believe in soft water, with warm sand, filled with sweet wine kisses.

I believe in gentle touches, on sunny days, with breezes bringing in playful laughter.

But baby boy, love isn’t always dreams of tomorrow’s but nights filled with terrors.

Those nights when tears stain hearts more than fists break the walls.

If I could spit knives, I would lay waist to souls.

Because with love comes heartache, and heartache carries grenades.

We dream of sunshine than run when we see rain.

But baby love is also rain clouds, and muffled sobs buried in a warm embrace.

It is feeling warm tears break cold stares, holding clenched fists so tight we noticed we stopped breathing at the same time.

Baby doll your love gave me ammunition to wage war on souls!

I became stronger with love on ground weaker with fear.

I will walk through the trenches of long sleepless nights, enter no man’s land of silent nights shivering from cold shoulders across the bed, as long as the only words I ever have to fire with certainty are “I do”.

You see handsome, falling does not scare me being a lone soldier fighting for an uncertain love breaks my soul.

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The fork in the road (Poem #92)

When I look at you:

I see a house on the hill,

with a fence,

a dog,

and two little girls,

squealing with joy as they swing,

knowing you will soon e home,

and there is nothing to fear,

because you breath security,

Stability

and a guarantee comfortable future,

no bumps or bruises,

or monsters under the bed,

you radiate the world I have always wanted in my head.

Yet when I look at them:

I see fire and lights shows,

Saturday  night raves,

nights I won’t remember,

and times I slept for days,

struggles to get by,

and small apartment with the faint smell of weed,

an unexpected child,

who rides through public school,

was never handed the world,

and fell down,

got bruised, punched and kicked in the stomach,

but always had a rough, caring hand to help them back up,

it isn’t perfect or pretty,

but it sure is a sight.

Looking back and forth,

ti becomes very clear,

these are two options for my life,

but which one I want more,

I can’t quiet decide.

A new way of drowning (Poem #33)

I need to be honest right now,

This feeling that I am having,

I can’t even describe it…

And that is kind of scary to me,

because I am a writer,

I am the person who takes the indescribable

and finds the perfect words to say…

But somehow you have found a way to take away my voice,

to have everything blur together,

and have words not be able to come close to explaining how I feel.

love quotes photo: Life Quotes Life_Quotes_oceanquote-1.jpg

But I am still stubborn,

so that means I am going to try…

So here it goes.

I feel like I am floating,

yet I am being pulled under by the current,

and it is pulling me toward the deeper end,

and slowly taking the shores away that I have become so comfortable with,

I am drifting farther and farther away from the world I knew,

the world that defined me til now,

I am slowly drowning,

but no matter how much I hate not breathing,

it is a drowning that I almost love,

Because even though the thing I held onto to keep me “alive”

was actually slowly poisoning me,

but I was too scared to look elsewhere,

So as the water fills my lungs,

instead of gasping for air,

I am learning how to breath again.

You have opened up my eyes to my new life,

and even though the shore was my home now,

you made me into a mermaid,

and I love how the water feels between my fingers,

I love the feeling of being surrounded by feelings,

and by memories that depending on the lighting show something different.

I love the way that you lead me into a word that is deeper,

and more meaningful than I have ever seen,

because I lived on the surface and thought that the deeper I went the darker life would get,

but it has been the opposite,

the deeper I go,

the lighter I feel.

You see,

you took a world I new,

and showed me that there is more,

that there truly is more than 90% of my life that has been undiscovered,

but discovering it won’t be so scary,

because you will always be there for me,

discovering it with me,

and learning about the world,

one ray of light at a time,

one “we’ll see at a time”.

Beautifully Insane(Poem #32)

I know my past wasn’t that hard,

and the the trials I faced are minor compared to some,

but still I can not fathom how people can look at me and tell me not to be sad,

because just because my life wasn’t as bad as others,

doesn’t mean it wasn’t bad,

It was just different…

I mean I don’t expect everyone to understand,

but I expect them to respect it,

because it isn’t their story,

or their pain,

or there memories that haunt them,

they are mine!

So don’t tell me I can’t be sad,

or lonely,

or happy,

or scared,

because you haven’t walked a mile in my shoes,

and even if you did it wouldn’t be enough,

because honey,

A MILE IS NOWHERE CLOSE TO A LIFETIME!

So I am sorry I am angry,

and that I spit words with poison and wine,

but it is because I am scared,

again,

just like everyday,

but I am taking life one baby step at a time.

So remember,

everyone can feel how they want,

and has the right to say so,

so don’t judge them,

just love them,

listen,

let their tears flow,

because when someone is crying out,

we don’t want to be told how to feel,

we just want to know we aren’t crazy,

or alone,

and that no matter what,

we are worth it,

and normal,

and perfectly sane,

we are human,

we are loved,

we are beautifully insane.

Like the rain (Poem #23)

Yes I remember,

I remember what it is like to feel,

to cry,

to lose myself in the sound of the rain,

I remember the feeling of the tears,

mixing with the raindrops,

and how the thunder muffled my screams,

and how hard it poured,

how much I wanted so badly to just have the rain wash me away,

yes I remember all of that…

I remember how it all began,

and how far it went,

and how dark it got,

and how many people I pushed away,

I also remember how many people left,

or said I just wanted attention,

but that wasn’t it.

I remember it like a knife,

cutting through my wrist,

like it once did,

but that is the thing,

I remember it,

I don’t feel it now,

I don’t want the rain to melt me,

Instead I dance in it,

and smile as the water rushes down my cheeks,

because the rain means a renewal,

and new day,

and growth.

I have moved on,

I have moved forward,

and yeah sometimes the dark clouds come back,

but I can know that the sun is hiding right behind it,

and that the glow of the moon is enough to show me through the night.

Because I am more than my depression every way,

and more than it ever will be,

because I am me,

and that is pretty damn great if you ask me.

So this is how it feel…(poem #14)

So this is how it feels,

when disaster strikes,

and everything you knew disappeared…

There is an overwhelming fear ,

and pain for what has been lost.

It would be easier if it was something materialistic,

like a house,

or jewelry,

but no this is worse…

this is much worse….

You see a house can be rebuilt with blueprint,

and Jewelry can be bought again,

but what happens when the walls you built,

and everything you called yourself 

suddenly gets thrown open and apart,

and you look around and all you see is the rubble of what you were,

every brick was a part of you,

and every stone you pick up brings back all the memories,

all the pain,

all the joy,

all the fears,

they bring back EVERYTHING!!

and you can’t hide from them anymore,

you’re skeletons are amoungst the rubble,

and you feel like you are living in a class house,

and all you want to do is cry out,

and fall to your knees and give up,

but as you fall you find the one brick that reminds you why you keep trying…

Suddenly there is a hand helping you stand up now,

and a voice saying “let’s keep that one”,

then you understand,

the tornado didn’t come to destroy you,

just destroy what you thought you were,

because what you thought was holding you back from who you could be,

the walls were too high and blinding you from the sun,

so yes the rubble is scary,

and as you rebuild yourself you will get cuts,

and splinters,

and bruises,

and scares,

and bleed a lot…

but in the end it will all be worth it,

because the sun will be shining on you from now on,

and you will have learned to dance in the rain,

and learn that some part of your house can be glass,

and that the things that held you back before can be thrown away,

and only the pieces you want to keep will be used,

because now you get to decide who you will be!

Tomorrow….. (#2)

I’m scared…

Scared out of my mind…

I’m scared of tomorrow…

Scared for the rest of my life…

Because the future is unplanned,

And there is nothing that is for sure…

But somehow….

Somehow it isn’t so scary,

Something not to abhor,

For the mystery of tomorrow

makes it that much more clear,

That mystery is beautiful…

Mystery is nothing to fear…

Because with every mystery there are is ambiguity,

A chance for something great…

And if my future includes you…

Well maybe tomorrow won’t be so hard to take…

So thank you my darling,

For standing here with me…

Thank you all for holding on,

And seeing something beautiful in me.

For even when I don’t see it,

I know that you all do,

And maybe tomorrow I will see it,

or maybe never…

no one can tell.

So what does tomorrow bring,

It brings me a chance,

A chance to find who I really am,

A chance to learn to dance,

It means falling down,

And learning to get up,

It means not knowing what is going to happen

Yet finding peace in that,

It’s about giving everything a chance,

It means learning,

letting go,

holding on,

and staying true,

It means learning who you really are,

And finding out who is true….

So tomorrow come when you are ready,

Come when you have a chance,

I am ready for you,

I’m standing tall,

Give me everything you’ve got,

And I will show you who still has a chance!

Tomorrow you will not hurt me,

You will not scare me away,

I will not sink,

I will not falter,

I will never break…

Though you have shown me,

What heartbreak truly is…

I know that through it all something beautiful is coming,

And I will love again.

So tomorrow if you’re ready,

I’m giving you a chance,

Try and break me,

Try your best,

Because even though I am scared..

I know I am not alone,

And I am not letting go….