A letter to my lonely lover(Poem #157)

A letter to my lonely lover,

Warning,

this is not a love letter you will grin at as you read it like a poem each night…

No this is a letter of precaution,

Because I can only lay my head on the collarbone of your broken heart,

Attempt to hear the melody behind mismatched breathing.

I can not hear the way your breaths playing against your ribs like wind-chimes echoing the emptiness that is inside you,

No I can not hear that.

I can not feel the clattering of bones beneath me shaking at their own loneliness.

Nor understand that the reason you twitch right before you fall asleep is because your body  needs to remind you that you are more than a skeleton waiting to rot.

Laying here I don’t see any of that…

I understand what it feels like to have every ounce of your soul ache for intimacy,

But can not seem to grasp it or find it in this world.

Because we locked our hearts away in our rib cage,

and then threw away the key….

It’s not like we don’t know where the key is,

We do,

We memorized the seconds between bounces and exactly where it landed.

But out of sight equals out of mind,

And I can finally pretend that my heart isn’t resting on the bottom of my stomach,

crying out to be fixed like a broken birds wing.

No!

I will not feel that,

and neither will you…

So we try to find comfort in moments that will only land milliseconds in our brains,

And sleep in god knows how many other people’s beds because we have forgotten why it felt right to sleep alone…

But it’s not that we don’t feel it,

We do,

But we pretend that we don’t feel it,

We want to feel like we are a whole person laying beside yet another one night stand,

and that is it!

But when we wake up in the morning,

your face won’t give me comfort,

and I will look in the mirror to see exactly who I was yesterday staring back at me,

I want to punch the glass so that I bleed,

because bleeding makes sense,

that is what happens when you are hurt,

you bleed and you scar…

But not when it’s your heart.

Instead my eyes they bleed tears…and tears dry,

And it’s hard to explain why your hurting when what your body is bleeding in misery is only visible to you…

So I will crawl back in bed with you,

I will kiss you on the lips,

Say I had a good time,

Rest my head again on your chest pretending that the heartbeat I hear is simply that…

Just a heart beat…

Because if I read too much into it then I know I will do something stupid,

like kiss you again, but this time it will be different because it will mean something,

because for that millisecond my heart will drop a feather outside my ribcage reminding me that I can still feel.

But I don’t want that.

I would rather live in the graveyard of my hollow chest,

then give you the power to send my heart back to hell!

That’s the scary thing about laying next to a broken lover…

They make you realize how broken YOU truly are…

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Sorry for the Darkness (Poem #47)

They were right,

All of this feels the same again,

The sun may be shining but I do not feel it’s heat,

I do not rejoice in it’s light,

because when I got out of bed this morning,

all I could look forward to was getting back into it,

knowing I wouldn’t be able to sleep,

but rather just lay there in a permanent state of numbness…

You see I was doing ok,

I was fine,

and then I couldn’t stop it,

The tears started and never stopped,

because even when I am walking my heart keeps crying,

and my eyes they are dull,

they show nothing,

because all I feel…

IS NOTHING AT ALL.

I mean I know this will be over soon,

at least I hope it will,

because this time it isn’t as bad,

yet I still feel the need to apologize to everyone who sees me,

because it feels like they can see the dark cloud around me,

and I don’t want to ruin their sunshine,

but how can you not when all you want to do is get out of the rain?

I want to get out…

I WANT OUT!

I want to actually feel again,

not feel the ripples of the emotions I used to have,

I want them to be back.

So that is why I told you,

I told you I was falling apart,

So I am sorry for the darkness my love,

but please don’t be afraid of the dark,

it isn’t here to hurt you,

it’s here to torture me,

because you represent everything that is opposite of it to me,

So while I lay here in the darkness,

and I feel your warm on my neck,

I remember what it feel like when the sun beats down on me,

and I know I will get out of this again…

The cracks in the wall (Poem #46)

It’s nights that suck the most,

Because it means being alone,

in a dark room,

with no one to talk to,

no one to hear you…

Yet that is somehow all I have done these last few days,

I have sat here,

staring at the same cracks in the walls,

and the way the light changes,

because I don’t want to leave the comfort of my room,

not today,

today my mask isn’t thick enough,

my walls aren’t tall enough,

and my knees are too weak to hold even the strong of heart….

So I lay here,

tears rolling down my face,

staring into the endless concept of emptiness and nothingness,

and in these moments,

I feel as if,

I don’t exist….

Beautifully Insane(Poem #32)

I know my past wasn’t that hard,

and the the trials I faced are minor compared to some,

but still I can not fathom how people can look at me and tell me not to be sad,

because just because my life wasn’t as bad as others,

doesn’t mean it wasn’t bad,

It was just different…

I mean I don’t expect everyone to understand,

but I expect them to respect it,

because it isn’t their story,

or their pain,

or there memories that haunt them,

they are mine!

So don’t tell me I can’t be sad,

or lonely,

or happy,

or scared,

because you haven’t walked a mile in my shoes,

and even if you did it wouldn’t be enough,

because honey,

A MILE IS NOWHERE CLOSE TO A LIFETIME!

So I am sorry I am angry,

and that I spit words with poison and wine,

but it is because I am scared,

again,

just like everyday,

but I am taking life one baby step at a time.

So remember,

everyone can feel how they want,

and has the right to say so,

so don’t judge them,

just love them,

listen,

let their tears flow,

because when someone is crying out,

we don’t want to be told how to feel,

we just want to know we aren’t crazy,

or alone,

and that no matter what,

we are worth it,

and normal,

and perfectly sane,

we are human,

we are loved,

we are beautifully insane.