My love hate relationship with college (Poem #45)

I would like to start this poem by making one thing perfectly clear:

COLLEGE AND I HAVE A VERY CONFLICTING LOVE HATE RELATIONSHIP!

The quote above explains what I really want,

and what I believe learning is all about,

here let me explain,

Please sit down with me,

tell me why this is what I am supposed to do,

and please don’t give me that rant about I need it to get a good job,

because WELL DUH I already knew that,

believe me,

otherwise I would have dropped out by now.

No tell me why I am here,

sitting in this office chair,

working on over-night shift at an information desk,

in order to somehow afford food,

and textbooks.

Why am I spending thousands of dollars to have someone sit and talk at me,

yeah some of it is interesting,

but others I take because it will get me a piece of paper that somehow explains that I did something with my life…

Give me a break!

What that piece of paper says is this:

“Ms. Mathews spent three years of her life doing the following:

memorizing x, y, and z,

reciting various theories that have applied to history,

opened her mind to the idea that we will never truly be able to understand or prepare for everything,

spend way too many nights not sleeping because of various reasons

gave a letter on a piece of paper overpower her emotions,

learned too many terms too remember,

and lastly,

SHE KNEW HOW TO PLAY THE GAME.”

Because that is what this is all about,

I mean yeah I love learning,

but I hate someone putting a grade on it,

because somehow the grade tells me that you didn’t learn enough,

or work hard enough.

But I believe that learning happens through life experience,

not always from a textbook that a bunch of people who are no longer living wrote to explain their ideas of what happened.

Maybe it is my nonconformity characteristics coming out now,

but this system sucks!

I love college,

I love the people,

I love the fact that I get to learn from people with experience,

But I hate that it all for a piece of paper that says I did something with my life…

I spent most of my time here sitting in a classroom,

that isn’t doing something with my life,

going out and living is,

and with the course load I have,

I feel like living a full and prosperous life isn’t really my first priority right now,

making up my Chinese tests is

(well sort of…procrastination is awesome).

I guess I am just saying I can’t wait to get out of here and live my life,

how I want to,

and to experience the world,

in only a way I can,

in a way that no text book can ever show me,

and no professor can explain to me,

I want to experience my life as ME!

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When you hit the floor (Poem #1)

I am sitting here trying to think,

Trying to write words of happiness and not those of pain,

Yet all I see is you,

Your body quivering….

shaking….

Darling why did you do this to yourself….

Why bring yourself to this point?

Please stop it…please

I know I can’t cry now…

I have to be strong enough to get you through this….

but can’t you see you are breaking my heart….

 

STOP IT!

JUST STOP!

You are not okay….

You are not fine…

We all see through the front you are putting up…

We are here to help you…

Why must you do this…..

Why can’t you just let us help?

 

No I will not leave you alone,

You can’t see yourself

The state you are in,

So just let me get you what you need….

And no it isn’t just a night’s rest,

or a cup of water…

YOU NEED HELP!

 

I’m not here to get you in trouble

And it hurts me that as I reach my hand out to help you shriek in fear

I don’t care what you did up until now,

Just let me help you…

Your life…your safety…isn’t worth your pride…

 

They’re here…

The lights have come,

As I see them enter and head your way a sigh of relief protrudes from my lips,

but yet this sense of satisfaction hasn’t arrived,

You are still in pain…

You are still fighting back…

And this moment stains my mind

It drags across my eyes as they bring you out…

Because I know that this moment will change you…

as it has changed me…

Except I won’t be the one waking up alone in a hospital bed….alone…

I won’t be the one who won’t remember what happened

or grasping at straws….

I will remember this night

Just like your friends will

just like your family will remember the pain of finding out later that you were sent to a hospital…

but we can’t tell them where…

 

You see what haunts me most isn’t that you did this to yourself….

it is the fact that you did this to everyone else around you…

that you were willing to hurt others in the name of having a good time…

so this pain…..this is on you….

yet……you won’t see that until later….

 

Just know we care…….

We wish you well….

 

So get well soon…

rest your eyes….

and learn from this….

please learn from this….