What I can’t forgive you for (Poem #85)

I stood up the other day,

but I couldn’t look you in the eye,

because you took more than my trust,

you took my friend away,

and that is what I can’t forgive you for…

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Sorry for the Darkness (Poem #47)

They were right,

All of this feels the same again,

The sun may be shining but I do not feel it’s heat,

I do not rejoice in it’s light,

because when I got out of bed this morning,

all I could look forward to was getting back into it,

knowing I wouldn’t be able to sleep,

but rather just lay there in a permanent state of numbness…

You see I was doing ok,

I was fine,

and then I couldn’t stop it,

The tears started and never stopped,

because even when I am walking my heart keeps crying,

and my eyes they are dull,

they show nothing,

because all I feel…

IS NOTHING AT ALL.

I mean I know this will be over soon,

at least I hope it will,

because this time it isn’t as bad,

yet I still feel the need to apologize to everyone who sees me,

because it feels like they can see the dark cloud around me,

and I don’t want to ruin their sunshine,

but how can you not when all you want to do is get out of the rain?

I want to get out…

I WANT OUT!

I want to actually feel again,

not feel the ripples of the emotions I used to have,

I want them to be back.

So that is why I told you,

I told you I was falling apart,

So I am sorry for the darkness my love,

but please don’t be afraid of the dark,

it isn’t here to hurt you,

it’s here to torture me,

because you represent everything that is opposite of it to me,

So while I lay here in the darkness,

and I feel your warm on my neck,

I remember what it feel like when the sun beats down on me,

and I know I will get out of this again…

Dear Mom and Dad (poem #20)

My daddy looks at me and sees me cry,

Yet the tears are broken,

and falling with each passing minute,

every hour,

every second of every day,

from my heart that is breaking,

because I don’t have the words to say…

Because “I love you” doesn’t heal wounds,

we aren’t willing to have healed,

and scars still remind us of what it really means to feel.

So I’m sorry daddy,

I’m sorry I am crying,

but for years you didn’t see it,

your daughter was dying,

she was losing all hope,

in this thing called love,

because all that she ever saw it represented as was spit out at hear,

she was told she was worthless,

and that she was a whore,

she was told by her mother that she didn’t want her anymore.

So daddy and mommy,

I’m sorry,

I really am,

that it took me so long to figure out who I am,

and that these words have to be written on a page,

because otherwise I would be screaming them in your face,

and that somehow now you see that this was ment to be the place.

That the screaming matches meant something,

and I had to leave for you to see,

that your daughter she means something,

and she is stronger than she seems,

that her tears came from heartache,

that she was willing to endure,

because heartache meant maybe love was something,

and that her insanity could be cured.

Now mommy and daddy I forgive you,

I really do,

because holding on to grudges is something I won’t do,

they aren’t worth my time,

they aren’t worth my tears,

and moving forward is what I need,

that will end my fear. 

Now forgive yourself please,

there is no point to living in the past,

the words were already spoken,

there is nothing more we can do,

except move on,

because the music is still playing,

and this is my song.

Mommy and daddy,

I want you to see,

the things that all these years I have been searching for,

is real,

it’s a thing,

love does exist,

but it comes from trial and pain,

so don’t give up on it yet,

fight the storm,

fight the waves,

because giving up is easy,

and running you can only go so far,

but love is timeless,

space-less,

and overcome all.

So maybe you will see it,

like I did too,

because I love you mommy and daddy,

and I am sorry for what I did to you…

How I feel…(poem #9)

Please talk to me,

See that I have feeling too,

That even though you don’t understand it doesn’t mean I don’t care,

It just means that I don’t know how to tell you what I feel,

Because everything is all mixed up in my head,

And nothing makes sense to me,

But something makes sense no matter what,

That even through this emotional mess I am in…

I need you to be willing to listen,

To hold my hand,

And uplift my soul,

And just know that no matter how bad I hurt you…

I still care…..

I….I…just don’t know how to tell you what I need or feel….

What is love? (poem #8)

People have this misconceptions that love is all about roses,

and smiles,

and happiness…..

but that isn’t what love is.

Love is hardship,

holding on tight.

It’s about screaming at each other,

and fogetting why you you were ten minutes later.

It’s about apologizing for your wrongs,

and giving up on things you thought you could never let go because you need to hold on to each other instead.

It’s about celebrating joys,

along with morning tears.

It’s about telling each other how you feel,

and making sure you never make them feel that way again…

at least not for the same reason.

It’s about saying your sorry,

and meaning…

It’s about learning the hard way,

And not always taking the easy way out,

because the easy way isn’t always the best way…

Sometimes you have to take the hard way,

And have hard conversations,

because it is from the hard conversations that true love actually comes through.

You see love isn’t made of all sunshine and rainbows,

Love is the silly feeling you get when you see them smile,

It’s the desire in the middle night that you get when you are a lone just to see them,

The twinkle in your eye when you smile because they are around,

When you cry you want nothing more than to be in their arms,

Wearing sweatpants and no makeup and cuddling,

Holding on to them all night because laying next to them is a better than dreaming,

It’s even though you are sad you know that they will somehow make you smile…

But most importantly you know that no matter what you say,

what you do,

what you think,

or how hurt you are,

YOU WANT TO BE WITH THEM EVERY MOMENT,

OF EVERY DAY,

JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM,

AND YOU COULD NEVER ASK FOR ANYTHING BETTER!