You aren’t alone (Poem #135)

If you are awake right now,

At 4 am,

Sobbing into your pillow,

Clenching on to the last shred of hope you have…

Just know you are not alone,

I am right here,

Sobbing with you,

We will make it through this…

I hope….

Time to move on (poem #53)

I’m sorry,

I know this is hard for you,

to see me move on,

and keep going with my life,

when life seems to stand still for you,

and you keep running but don’t go anywhere.

I’m sorry,

I know how you feel,

the depression that sets in,

the pain and hurt is overwhelming,

and it leads to the feeling of being lost,

because the floor you stood on completely fell apart.

I’m sorry,

that I have to remind you of your place,

and that place is not right beside me,

but behind me,

because you are my friend…

and that is all you ever can or will be….

11 years to this day…(poem #25)

Maybe someday you will see,

how many chances you got,

and how many you crushed in the palm of your hand,

but you will never see,

the tears you forced me to cry,

and how every time you didn’t show,

a small part of me died,

because I looked at the world with big eyes,

and open arms,

and open hands,

but every time I reached out to you,

you slapped it away,

and replaced it with a materialistic world,

filled with drugs,

filled with alcohol,

filled with girls,

filled with sex,

filled with everything that has kept you where you are now…

You see you could be so much better,

and do so much more,

I’m not the only one who can go far,

I know this…

because you were my motivation,

when my world fell apart,

because when it got hard you didn’t give up,

you kept moving forward,

and you stood tall…

at least in the eyes of a scared 8 year old girl you did…

But that 8 year old girl is gone now,

She has grown up,

Been throw shit by the world,

been spit on,

stepped on,

pushed down

and had everything that you would hate to hear thrown in your face,

yeah she’s heard it all,

felt all the pain,

and for the longest time because you left she felt she deserved to be treated that way…

you see she felt unloved,

uncared for,

and worthless…

but now thing are different,

that little girl she grew,

she now sees what

love,

respect,

and worthiness are,

so today she is standing up for herself,

and that means to you to,

so here it is….

I am done chasing after the dream that you will come home,

No longer will I wait for you behind a curtain,

and cry when you don’t show,

I am done reaching out my hands and my heart,

Because you no longer have the right to break them,

It’s on you now,

You can come to me,

and find out what the meaning of family is,

because just because I am done chasing….

that doesn’t mean I’m done waiting….

So I will wait right here for you,

for you to come home,

because today marks the 11th year that I have waited,

and that was 11 years too long,

because you can’t chase a person who is running away,

you just have to wait,

for the day they grow tired,

and they come back,

for good,

forever,

no more so-long…

Strength is…(poem #18)

Strength isn’t about never showing your fears,

or never crying,

or holding on too long.

Strength is about

letting go when it is the right time,

about showing when you are scared,

but powering through it anyways,

about holding on to til the right time,

about showing others you have fears,

but they will not control you.

Strength is being yourself,

no matter what,

no matter how hard it is…

Strength is YOU!

The wave (Poem #16)

There is a lot going on,

and that is an understatement…

but the reason it is all crashing down on you at once,

is so that it can erode all the things you don’t need away…

because otherwise you wouldn’t get ride of them,

so life is getting rid of them for you…

so thank the pressure,

thank the stress,

thank the difficulty,

Because tomorrow you will be better because of it.

I deserve this….(poem #7)

What do you do,
When your cries fall on deaf ears?
Or minds that have no time for you?
Or any consideration of your being?

So what am I to do…
I did what I could with what I had,
and yet I still fall short…
like usual….

You would think I would be used to this,
Seeing as most of the plans I have made have fallen apart, of course last minute due to the fact that life provided something remotely more satisfying than calming my ever raging heart or putting a smile on the face that has seen more tears than there are lightning-bugs in this dreadful night sky…i guess I do get it..I get there there is something better….yet everyday I am told that I am deserving of love, admiration and the world…..but I guess the world fell short and stopped turning long enough to show me that really, even though I may deserve it,I won’t get shit…so maybe this cry falls on deaf ears but at least I am trying….because giving up looks smooth right now…but that isn’t me…so as the world heeds on I will take every baby step toward tomorrow with a pain in my heart and hurt in my eyes…because I deserve it…I deserve this….

I deserve this…right? You know what I have learned…that no matter how many times you are told you deserve the best everything that happens to come close ends…it always ends….so no matter how many times I remember my mother telling me I deserve someone who will show me that I am the reason the stars shine in the sky…yet I can’t even find someone who is willing to try…because every moment when I go to write down on this paper words of happiness and joy you snatch the pen out of my hand..somehow the world has this sick twisted way of taking everything positive in our life and staining it with tears and heartache so someday we except the pamphlets they hand out on street corners that tell us how much we are worth…and they never say you are worth the world…they always say the same thing….you aren’t pretty enough, you aren’t smart enough, you need to do better, damn it stop crying, you need to be stronger, why can’t you see that you are worthless…..they tell us we are worthless….and the saddest part is we believe this…and someday we replace the pen we used to write words of joy with a razor that covers our arms and screams words of pain…so don’t tell me I deserve the world darling…because I know I do…..I know I do…..

I know I do…..