Love’s War (Poem #165)

Do you believe in love, baby?Because I do.

I believe in blue skies, with flower crowns, and birds chirping so soft you could swoon.

I believe in soft water, with warm sand, filled with sweet wine kisses.

I believe in gentle touches, on sunny days, with breezes bringing in playful laughter.

But baby boy, love isn’t always dreams of tomorrow’s but nights filled with terrors.

Those nights when tears stain hearts more than fists break the walls.

If I could spit knives, I would lay waist to souls.

Because with love comes heartache, and heartache carries grenades.

We dream of sunshine than run when we see rain.

But baby love is also rain clouds, and muffled sobs buried in a warm embrace.

It is feeling warm tears break cold stares, holding clenched fists so tight we noticed we stopped breathing at the same time.

Baby doll your love gave me ammunition to wage war on souls!

I became stronger with love on ground weaker with fear.

I will walk through the trenches of long sleepless nights, enter no man’s land of silent nights shivering from cold shoulders across the bed, as long as the only words I ever have to fire with certainty are “I do”.

You see handsome, falling does not scare me being a lone soldier fighting for an uncertain love breaks my soul.

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A letter to my lonely lover(Poem #157)

A letter to my lonely lover,

Warning,

this is not a love letter you will grin at as you read it like a poem each night…

No this is a letter of precaution,

Because I can only lay my head on the collarbone of your broken heart,

Attempt to hear the melody behind mismatched breathing.

I can not hear the way your breaths playing against your ribs like wind-chimes echoing the emptiness that is inside you,

No I can not hear that.

I can not feel the clattering of bones beneath me shaking at their own loneliness.

Nor understand that the reason you twitch right before you fall asleep is because your body  needs to remind you that you are more than a skeleton waiting to rot.

Laying here I don’t see any of that…

I understand what it feels like to have every ounce of your soul ache for intimacy,

But can not seem to grasp it or find it in this world.

Because we locked our hearts away in our rib cage,

and then threw away the key….

It’s not like we don’t know where the key is,

We do,

We memorized the seconds between bounces and exactly where it landed.

But out of sight equals out of mind,

And I can finally pretend that my heart isn’t resting on the bottom of my stomach,

crying out to be fixed like a broken birds wing.

No!

I will not feel that,

and neither will you…

So we try to find comfort in moments that will only land milliseconds in our brains,

And sleep in god knows how many other people’s beds because we have forgotten why it felt right to sleep alone…

But it’s not that we don’t feel it,

We do,

But we pretend that we don’t feel it,

We want to feel like we are a whole person laying beside yet another one night stand,

and that is it!

But when we wake up in the morning,

your face won’t give me comfort,

and I will look in the mirror to see exactly who I was yesterday staring back at me,

I want to punch the glass so that I bleed,

because bleeding makes sense,

that is what happens when you are hurt,

you bleed and you scar…

But not when it’s your heart.

Instead my eyes they bleed tears…and tears dry,

And it’s hard to explain why your hurting when what your body is bleeding in misery is only visible to you…

So I will crawl back in bed with you,

I will kiss you on the lips,

Say I had a good time,

Rest my head again on your chest pretending that the heartbeat I hear is simply that…

Just a heart beat…

Because if I read too much into it then I know I will do something stupid,

like kiss you again, but this time it will be different because it will mean something,

because for that millisecond my heart will drop a feather outside my ribcage reminding me that I can still feel.

But I don’t want that.

I would rather live in the graveyard of my hollow chest,

then give you the power to send my heart back to hell!

That’s the scary thing about laying next to a broken lover…

They make you realize how broken YOU truly are…

In the moment (Poem #109)

The current of your breath on my neck,

leaping from inch to inch as your essence travels,

through my body,

to my soul,

back to yours,

as our bodies disappear,

only becoming bondage of the material world,

withstanding only the barriers the mind allows,

and then collapsing with a gasp and a moan,

as two souls became one.

I love you isn’t enough (Poem #76)

The words “I love you” don’t seem to be enough anymore.

They can’t express the joy I feel when I am with you,

or the moments my heart seems to disappear from my chest,

or how your smile radiates through my whole body and warms my soul,

or how you holding me not only puts all the broken pieces back together but also reminds me what it feels like to be safe,

or how the simple touch of your hand can carry the weight of the world for five seconds so I can breath,

or how when I speak to you it is like speaking to your soul,

and how when I look in your eyes I literally get lost in the moment,

how hours turn into seconds,

and how absolutely nothing makes sense in my life except for you…

I love you isn’t enough for me…

It doesn’t say how I truly feel about you.

You are the epitome of perfect in my eyes,

You fill my life with a happiness I didn’t know existed,

and a peace that has never covered my life when I am sad,

Your words don’t just imprint on my mind, 

they transform my soul.

It doesnt have to make sense it doesnt have to make sense

You ARE the definition of love in my eyes,

so saying I love you is merely acknowledging your presence in my life,

and how you have become a part of my life,

my heart,

my soul,

and my madness…

You are love,

and I will never be able to express to you how special that makes me feel…

Though I have said it a million times…(poem #54)

You may take how I act to be too much sometimes,

and it may seem like an extreme,

but I do it out of love and affection for you.

You see I may say “I love you” a million times,

because I did not hear it enough as a child,

and I do not know when my last moment will be,

my world could disappear in a second,

so I want to say it as often as I possibly can,

because who knows when the last time I will utter those beautiful words for the last time…

I just don’t want you to go through life thinking you are anything less than the best,

because you have been everything I have needed and more,

and even though we fight,

my words still ring the same,

I love you to the end of the galaxy,

I love you a little more everyday….

I don’t get it….(Poem #48)

This is a new feeling for me,

the feeling of warm open arms,

of a hug I need that somehow keeps me from falling apart.

I don’t get it….

how your presence does just enough to keep me sane,

or how when you smile it reminds me what it feel like to be alive…

I don’t get it….

I don’t get how you laying next to me,

not saying a word,

can heal me more than a thousand words can…

or how the stuffed animal you gave me,

makes the tears hurt a little less….

I don’t get it…

How somehow you give me the strength to look forward,

and stand on my own,

through the simplest things as a look.

I don’t get it…..

I don’t get how I feel the depression hitting me,

but when I am with you I am not depressed….

I thought of you today…(poem #35)

Here are the instances I thought of you today:

I thought of you when I walked back to my room to go to bed,

and how you saying goodnight reminded me that I am the last person you talked to today.

I thought of you whenever i look down at my phone,

and I see those big brown eyes look up at me,

and those eyes entrance me.

I thought of you as I stood in line at starbucks with my pink bag in hand,

and how you would make fun of me for being a “basic white girl”.

I thought of you as I took a nap,

and grabbed the stuffed animal you bought me,

and how happy it made me that you bought something for me because you thought I would like it,

and becuase you knew it would have a meaning to me.

I thought of you as I saw you walk away to go volunteer,

and how honorable that is,

and how amazing it is that you give your time to others

even when you have so little time for yourself.

I thought of you today when I got out of the shower,

and saw my makeup running down my face,

and how you would still call me beautiful.

I thought of you when I took a sip of my peppermint mocha,

and how much you loved the peppermint hot chocolate I made you,

and how you give me the same warm feeling that drinking it did.

I thought of you with every love song my spotify station is playing as I write this,

because I know now that I am hopelessly falling in love with you,

and every part of you.

I thought of you as I wrote an assignment for class about traveling,

and how I want to go see the world,

but it would be so lonely if you weren’t there.

I thought of you today…

and I never stopped.

How did you do it? (poem #34)

I just don’t get it,

How it is that I look down at my phone and smile,

How I don’t even have to be with you to feel you with me,

and that somehow all it takes is a memory or a thought and there is a blush on my cheek…

love photo: LOVE Lovely_Heart.jpg
So how do you do it?

How did you take this strong girl,

and make her feel like she deserved the world,

make her feel like a little girl falling in love for the first time again,

and look past all the hurt that made her hold back fro so long?
falling in love photo: falling in love big4399246.jpg

How did you change my world so much,

in such a short time?

How did you do it darling,

How did you not only make me fall in love with you,

but also fall in love with my life,

and fall in love with myself?

Kiss me slowly (Poem #22)

I want you to know something,

I want you to know that you are special,

and different,

and beautiful,

and unique,

and perfect,

because you are you,

and I would never ask for me.

Because being different,

and unique,

and human,

is what makes you perfect to me.

It’s the fact that you can fall down,

that you make mistakes,

that sometime you chew too loud,

that you feel so much,

and worry so much,

that you sometimes are crabby when you don’t sleep enough,

and that you get annoyed with me,

that you hate being tickled,

or that you were embarrassed about your birthmark,

that you has some skeleton in your closest,

that you have no idea what you want to do with your life,

but you know you want to be happy,

and that you have no idea where you are going,

but you know you don’t want to stay here forever,

and that you want to be independent,

just so you feel like you aren’t being held down..

I love how all of these things,

no matter how small,

make you you,

just like that freckle below your left eye makes me smile,

and how when you smile your right eye is slightly more squinted than your right,

I guess what I am saying is that I think for the first time in a long time I am actually falling in love,

not just lust,

and it is actual love,

not me giving up who I am to somehow make the world better for the other person,

but real love,

where we both can fall apart,

and we both know that the other person will be standing right next to us,

waiting for us to stand up again,

and that the other person won’t try to fix us,

but will just support us,

and hold us tight when we need them to,

will speak kind words,

whisper wisdom,

and never give up on us.

So I am grateful for you,

for this opportunity,

for the chance at forever with you by my side,

because that is the something to look forward to,

and that is why right now I am going to ask you for one thing,

will you come and do one thing for me,

baby will you kiss me slowly?