Love’s War (Poem #165)

Do you believe in love, baby?Because I do.

I believe in blue skies, with flower crowns, and birds chirping so soft you could swoon.

I believe in soft water, with warm sand, filled with sweet wine kisses.

I believe in gentle touches, on sunny days, with breezes bringing in playful laughter.

But baby boy, love isn’t always dreams of tomorrow’s but nights filled with terrors.

Those nights when tears stain hearts more than fists break the walls.

If I could spit knives, I would lay waist to souls.

Because with love comes heartache, and heartache carries grenades.

We dream of sunshine than run when we see rain.

But baby love is also rain clouds, and muffled sobs buried in a warm embrace.

It is feeling warm tears break cold stares, holding clenched fists so tight we noticed we stopped breathing at the same time.

Baby doll your love gave me ammunition to wage war on souls!

I became stronger with love on ground weaker with fear.

I will walk through the trenches of long sleepless nights, enter no man’s land of silent nights shivering from cold shoulders across the bed, as long as the only words I ever have to fire with certainty are “I do”.

You see handsome, falling does not scare me being a lone soldier fighting for an uncertain love breaks my soul.

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A letter to my lonely lover(Poem #157)

A letter to my lonely lover,

Warning,

this is not a love letter you will grin at as you read it like a poem each night…

No this is a letter of precaution,

Because I can only lay my head on the collarbone of your broken heart,

Attempt to hear the melody behind mismatched breathing.

I can not hear the way your breaths playing against your ribs like wind-chimes echoing the emptiness that is inside you,

No I can not hear that.

I can not feel the clattering of bones beneath me shaking at their own loneliness.

Nor understand that the reason you twitch right before you fall asleep is because your body  needs to remind you that you are more than a skeleton waiting to rot.

Laying here I don’t see any of that…

I understand what it feels like to have every ounce of your soul ache for intimacy,

But can not seem to grasp it or find it in this world.

Because we locked our hearts away in our rib cage,

and then threw away the key….

It’s not like we don’t know where the key is,

We do,

We memorized the seconds between bounces and exactly where it landed.

But out of sight equals out of mind,

And I can finally pretend that my heart isn’t resting on the bottom of my stomach,

crying out to be fixed like a broken birds wing.

No!

I will not feel that,

and neither will you…

So we try to find comfort in moments that will only land milliseconds in our brains,

And sleep in god knows how many other people’s beds because we have forgotten why it felt right to sleep alone…

But it’s not that we don’t feel it,

We do,

But we pretend that we don’t feel it,

We want to feel like we are a whole person laying beside yet another one night stand,

and that is it!

But when we wake up in the morning,

your face won’t give me comfort,

and I will look in the mirror to see exactly who I was yesterday staring back at me,

I want to punch the glass so that I bleed,

because bleeding makes sense,

that is what happens when you are hurt,

you bleed and you scar…

But not when it’s your heart.

Instead my eyes they bleed tears…and tears dry,

And it’s hard to explain why your hurting when what your body is bleeding in misery is only visible to you…

So I will crawl back in bed with you,

I will kiss you on the lips,

Say I had a good time,

Rest my head again on your chest pretending that the heartbeat I hear is simply that…

Just a heart beat…

Because if I read too much into it then I know I will do something stupid,

like kiss you again, but this time it will be different because it will mean something,

because for that millisecond my heart will drop a feather outside my ribcage reminding me that I can still feel.

But I don’t want that.

I would rather live in the graveyard of my hollow chest,

then give you the power to send my heart back to hell!

That’s the scary thing about laying next to a broken lover…

They make you realize how broken YOU truly are…

The notion of emotion (Poem #96)

The overall notion of simply caring about emotion

and how other people feel

used to be a foundation that philosophers and aristocrats stood upon.

Rather than partaking in a society like ours,

that is filled with people asking “how are you”

but not giving a damn about the answer less than five seconds after the words protrude their mouth.

We simply disregard the importance of human emotion

which is the pinnacle differentiation of our existence

and place in our crumbling world.

We treat is as if human beings have to work toward us caring about them,

and must be worthy enough to even get the grace of a single tear from others when their world is ripping seems,

all that matters is that there is rain one the horizons of ours sky’s,

and our sorrow fill the air with the only availability to breath concern for one person;

and every time that one person will be ourselves.

Because being selfless isn’t a virtue,

it is an inconveniences….

And God forbid my existence should even shed a droplet on your sunny day.

Society wonders why we live in a world filled with people,

yet people feel so alone that their best friends become knives,

their lovers become pills and drugs,

where darkness is the haven that will shortly bring them to the point where the question is in the form of a bullet

and the answer is the gun.

Society your answer doesn’t lie in the pills or therapy…

the answer lies in front of you…

hell it is attached to you…

the only organ that provides life to the masses.

Society the answer is the thing we dare to suppress

by saying it is to feminine and weak.

Well fuck you society,

because those of us who give a damn to give a fuck about others can see,

the real problem is not that we are too weak as a people,

the problem in society is that people stopped believing the genuinely caring is actually a thing.

A change of lights and memories (Poem #58)

The lights change,

fading from blues to reds,

and dance across the ceiling,

with each change of color my mind drifts in and out of a dream,

It drifts from memories of my dog,

a hug from my father,

to all the memories I made with you.

All these memories make me smile,

and bring a calming sense of peace,

because these memories and lights give me a break from the pains of my life,

and bring feeling of joy back to my life.

Maybe it is about the story…(poem #49)

I want to start this by saying this:

DEPRESSION SUCKS,

LIKE A LOT!

But if it has taught me anything,

it is to cherish every moment that you feel,

not matter the emotion,

cherish it,

embrace it,

and remember it,

because feeling something is better than nothing.

What if that is the whole point of going through this?

To learn that it isn’t necessarily about always being happy,

but about knowing what it means to feel happy.

To learn that life won’t hand you glass slippers and a carriage,

but rather that you will have to go out and get them,

and it will hurt,

and you will want to quiet,

but you can’t,

because before the clock strikes midnight you will see all your work play out,

and you will feel alive.

You see,

life is just like your own book,

you can’t just skip to the happily ever after,

because well there is no garantee there will be one

unless you work for one,

and some chapters of your story are going to be scary

and hurt

but that is because you need some character development in order to be ready for the next page.

Sure you will get paper cuts,

fill pages with tear,

but that is the fun of reading,

you feel so much that you can’t wait to see what the next page holds…

Life is just like that,

it’s about the journey,

and in the end that is so much better than any stupid fairy-tale happy ending if you ask me.

Sorry for the Darkness (Poem #47)

They were right,

All of this feels the same again,

The sun may be shining but I do not feel it’s heat,

I do not rejoice in it’s light,

because when I got out of bed this morning,

all I could look forward to was getting back into it,

knowing I wouldn’t be able to sleep,

but rather just lay there in a permanent state of numbness…

You see I was doing ok,

I was fine,

and then I couldn’t stop it,

The tears started and never stopped,

because even when I am walking my heart keeps crying,

and my eyes they are dull,

they show nothing,

because all I feel…

IS NOTHING AT ALL.

I mean I know this will be over soon,

at least I hope it will,

because this time it isn’t as bad,

yet I still feel the need to apologize to everyone who sees me,

because it feels like they can see the dark cloud around me,

and I don’t want to ruin their sunshine,

but how can you not when all you want to do is get out of the rain?

I want to get out…

I WANT OUT!

I want to actually feel again,

not feel the ripples of the emotions I used to have,

I want them to be back.

So that is why I told you,

I told you I was falling apart,

So I am sorry for the darkness my love,

but please don’t be afraid of the dark,

it isn’t here to hurt you,

it’s here to torture me,

because you represent everything that is opposite of it to me,

So while I lay here in the darkness,

and I feel your warm on my neck,

I remember what it feel like when the sun beats down on me,

and I know I will get out of this again…

This song- Of Mice & Men My Understanding(Poem #42)

This song,

this song holds a lot of memories….

Both good and bad.

and I remember the first time I heard it,

and I will probably remember the last as well…

You see this song is more than the short two verses it holds,

this song has pierced my heart,

and tattooed itself on my soul,

it has become a part of me.

Because this song has spoken all the words I wish I could have said to all those whom I care about,

“I don’t mind it, I don’t mind it if your overrated

or staring at the edge of the world”

I wish they would have seen that this song is me,

The ideas,

dreams,

and words of this song are what I want.

I don’t care if it is emo,

or seems too dark,

it really isn’t,

it is beautiful,

and tells a story my words can not do justice to…

So because of this,

I will end this poem with the words that have become my battle cry,

my anthem….

“BUT I CAN SEE IT IS YOUR LOVE THAT I HAVE BEEN DREAMING OF

AND IF WE CLIMB THIS HIGH, I SWEAR WE’LL NEVER DIE”

I hate love (poem #36)

I hate love,

I do,

because it sucks,

you have to open up to someone,

and you give them parts of you that can crush you,

but you do it because you want to,

you want to give them all of you,

and to grow with them,

you want them to be able to walk through all the walls you put up,

because for some crazy reason the pain they could cause is worth each smile,

each kiss

each memory…
quotes photo: quotes 066.jpg

So yea I hate love,

but I love love so much because I hate it so much.

I thought of you today…(poem #35)

Here are the instances I thought of you today:

I thought of you when I walked back to my room to go to bed,

and how you saying goodnight reminded me that I am the last person you talked to today.

I thought of you whenever i look down at my phone,

and I see those big brown eyes look up at me,

and those eyes entrance me.

I thought of you as I stood in line at starbucks with my pink bag in hand,

and how you would make fun of me for being a “basic white girl”.

I thought of you as I took a nap,

and grabbed the stuffed animal you bought me,

and how happy it made me that you bought something for me because you thought I would like it,

and becuase you knew it would have a meaning to me.

I thought of you as I saw you walk away to go volunteer,

and how honorable that is,

and how amazing it is that you give your time to others

even when you have so little time for yourself.

I thought of you today when I got out of the shower,

and saw my makeup running down my face,

and how you would still call me beautiful.

I thought of you when I took a sip of my peppermint mocha,

and how much you loved the peppermint hot chocolate I made you,

and how you give me the same warm feeling that drinking it did.

I thought of you with every love song my spotify station is playing as I write this,

because I know now that I am hopelessly falling in love with you,

and every part of you.

I thought of you as I wrote an assignment for class about traveling,

and how I want to go see the world,

but it would be so lonely if you weren’t there.

I thought of you today…

and I never stopped.