The things I have to thank you for…(poem #30)

I haven’t talked to you in over a month now,

       at first your anger hurt,

           but now I don’t mine it,

Because well, now you don’t really mean that much to me,

you are just a part of my past,

but still I feel like I need to thank you for a few things.

The things I have to thank you for…

1. My backbone, 

because we all know that the shit you put me through forced me to get one.

2. The songs I never heard,

The songs that used to not make sense,

You see they all make sense now,

and they have nothing to do with you…..

(and if they do I hope that they are the songs SCREAM MY NAME when you hears)

3. Fresh eyes to look at the world,

All the tears I cried over you really did cause my eyes to open,

and see that I deserve WAY more than you.

4. The fight in my soul,

You see how you ended it with me reminded me that I can fight back,

and that no one can control me,

like you did…..

5. My desire to only look forward,

Because let’s be honest all that looking back shows me 

is pain

mistakes

fights

screaming

and memories I can live without….

6. My heartache and heartbreak,

because when I fell apart,

guess who was the only one left to put me back together?

Yeah, that’s right, 

I WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE!

So guess who decided what I would become?

ME!!!

7. Showing me that what I thought I wanted wasn’t really what I needed….

Do I really need to explain this one?

8. That you showed me that tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life!

9. Lastly, that because of you,

I enjoy every day with him so so much more,

and enjoy the love he shows me,

Because HE DESERVES ME,

UNLIKE YOU!

Dear Mom and Dad (poem #20)

My daddy looks at me and sees me cry,

Yet the tears are broken,

and falling with each passing minute,

every hour,

every second of every day,

from my heart that is breaking,

because I don’t have the words to say…

Because “I love you” doesn’t heal wounds,

we aren’t willing to have healed,

and scars still remind us of what it really means to feel.

So I’m sorry daddy,

I’m sorry I am crying,

but for years you didn’t see it,

your daughter was dying,

she was losing all hope,

in this thing called love,

because all that she ever saw it represented as was spit out at hear,

she was told she was worthless,

and that she was a whore,

she was told by her mother that she didn’t want her anymore.

So daddy and mommy,

I’m sorry,

I really am,

that it took me so long to figure out who I am,

and that these words have to be written on a page,

because otherwise I would be screaming them in your face,

and that somehow now you see that this was ment to be the place.

That the screaming matches meant something,

and I had to leave for you to see,

that your daughter she means something,

and she is stronger than she seems,

that her tears came from heartache,

that she was willing to endure,

because heartache meant maybe love was something,

and that her insanity could be cured.

Now mommy and daddy I forgive you,

I really do,

because holding on to grudges is something I won’t do,

they aren’t worth my time,

they aren’t worth my tears,

and moving forward is what I need,

that will end my fear. 

Now forgive yourself please,

there is no point to living in the past,

the words were already spoken,

there is nothing more we can do,

except move on,

because the music is still playing,

and this is my song.

Mommy and daddy,

I want you to see,

the things that all these years I have been searching for,

is real,

it’s a thing,

love does exist,

but it comes from trial and pain,

so don’t give up on it yet,

fight the storm,

fight the waves,

because giving up is easy,

and running you can only go so far,

but love is timeless,

space-less,

and overcome all.

So maybe you will see it,

like I did too,

because I love you mommy and daddy,

and I am sorry for what I did to you…

I deserve this….(poem #7)

What do you do,
When your cries fall on deaf ears?
Or minds that have no time for you?
Or any consideration of your being?

So what am I to do…
I did what I could with what I had,
and yet I still fall short…
like usual….

You would think I would be used to this,
Seeing as most of the plans I have made have fallen apart, of course last minute due to the fact that life provided something remotely more satisfying than calming my ever raging heart or putting a smile on the face that has seen more tears than there are lightning-bugs in this dreadful night sky…i guess I do get it..I get there there is something better….yet everyday I am told that I am deserving of love, admiration and the world…..but I guess the world fell short and stopped turning long enough to show me that really, even though I may deserve it,I won’t get shit…so maybe this cry falls on deaf ears but at least I am trying….because giving up looks smooth right now…but that isn’t me…so as the world heeds on I will take every baby step toward tomorrow with a pain in my heart and hurt in my eyes…because I deserve it…I deserve this….

I deserve this…right? You know what I have learned…that no matter how many times you are told you deserve the best everything that happens to come close ends…it always ends….so no matter how many times I remember my mother telling me I deserve someone who will show me that I am the reason the stars shine in the sky…yet I can’t even find someone who is willing to try…because every moment when I go to write down on this paper words of happiness and joy you snatch the pen out of my hand..somehow the world has this sick twisted way of taking everything positive in our life and staining it with tears and heartache so someday we except the pamphlets they hand out on street corners that tell us how much we are worth…and they never say you are worth the world…they always say the same thing….you aren’t pretty enough, you aren’t smart enough, you need to do better, damn it stop crying, you need to be stronger, why can’t you see that you are worthless…..they tell us we are worthless….and the saddest part is we believe this…and someday we replace the pen we used to write words of joy with a razor that covers our arms and screams words of pain…so don’t tell me I deserve the world darling…because I know I do…..I know I do…..

I know I do…..