The things I have to thank you for…(poem #30)

I haven’t talked to you in over a month now,

       at first your anger hurt,

           but now I don’t mine it,

Because well, now you don’t really mean that much to me,

you are just a part of my past,

but still I feel like I need to thank you for a few things.

The things I have to thank you for…

1. My backbone, 

because we all know that the shit you put me through forced me to get one.

2. The songs I never heard,

The songs that used to not make sense,

You see they all make sense now,

and they have nothing to do with you…..

(and if they do I hope that they are the songs SCREAM MY NAME when you hears)

3. Fresh eyes to look at the world,

All the tears I cried over you really did cause my eyes to open,

and see that I deserve WAY more than you.

4. The fight in my soul,

You see how you ended it with me reminded me that I can fight back,

and that no one can control me,

like you did…..

5. My desire to only look forward,

Because let’s be honest all that looking back shows me 

is pain

mistakes

fights

screaming

and memories I can live without….

6. My heartache and heartbreak,

because when I fell apart,

guess who was the only one left to put me back together?

Yeah, that’s right, 

I WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE!

So guess who decided what I would become?

ME!!!

7. Showing me that what I thought I wanted wasn’t really what I needed….

Do I really need to explain this one?

8. That you showed me that tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life!

9. Lastly, that because of you,

I enjoy every day with him so so much more,

and enjoy the love he shows me,

Because HE DESERVES ME,

UNLIKE YOU!

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Kiss me slowly (Poem #22)

I want you to know something,

I want you to know that you are special,

and different,

and beautiful,

and unique,

and perfect,

because you are you,

and I would never ask for me.

Because being different,

and unique,

and human,

is what makes you perfect to me.

It’s the fact that you can fall down,

that you make mistakes,

that sometime you chew too loud,

that you feel so much,

and worry so much,

that you sometimes are crabby when you don’t sleep enough,

and that you get annoyed with me,

that you hate being tickled,

or that you were embarrassed about your birthmark,

that you has some skeleton in your closest,

that you have no idea what you want to do with your life,

but you know you want to be happy,

and that you have no idea where you are going,

but you know you don’t want to stay here forever,

and that you want to be independent,

just so you feel like you aren’t being held down..

I love how all of these things,

no matter how small,

make you you,

just like that freckle below your left eye makes me smile,

and how when you smile your right eye is slightly more squinted than your right,

I guess what I am saying is that I think for the first time in a long time I am actually falling in love,

not just lust,

and it is actual love,

not me giving up who I am to somehow make the world better for the other person,

but real love,

where we both can fall apart,

and we both know that the other person will be standing right next to us,

waiting for us to stand up again,

and that the other person won’t try to fix us,

but will just support us,

and hold us tight when we need them to,

will speak kind words,

whisper wisdom,

and never give up on us.

So I am grateful for you,

for this opportunity,

for the chance at forever with you by my side,

because that is the something to look forward to,

and that is why right now I am going to ask you for one thing,

will you come and do one thing for me,

baby will you kiss me slowly?

I deserve this….(poem #7)

What do you do,
When your cries fall on deaf ears?
Or minds that have no time for you?
Or any consideration of your being?

So what am I to do…
I did what I could with what I had,
and yet I still fall short…
like usual….

You would think I would be used to this,
Seeing as most of the plans I have made have fallen apart, of course last minute due to the fact that life provided something remotely more satisfying than calming my ever raging heart or putting a smile on the face that has seen more tears than there are lightning-bugs in this dreadful night sky…i guess I do get it..I get there there is something better….yet everyday I am told that I am deserving of love, admiration and the world…..but I guess the world fell short and stopped turning long enough to show me that really, even though I may deserve it,I won’t get shit…so maybe this cry falls on deaf ears but at least I am trying….because giving up looks smooth right now…but that isn’t me…so as the world heeds on I will take every baby step toward tomorrow with a pain in my heart and hurt in my eyes…because I deserve it…I deserve this….

I deserve this…right? You know what I have learned…that no matter how many times you are told you deserve the best everything that happens to come close ends…it always ends….so no matter how many times I remember my mother telling me I deserve someone who will show me that I am the reason the stars shine in the sky…yet I can’t even find someone who is willing to try…because every moment when I go to write down on this paper words of happiness and joy you snatch the pen out of my hand..somehow the world has this sick twisted way of taking everything positive in our life and staining it with tears and heartache so someday we except the pamphlets they hand out on street corners that tell us how much we are worth…and they never say you are worth the world…they always say the same thing….you aren’t pretty enough, you aren’t smart enough, you need to do better, damn it stop crying, you need to be stronger, why can’t you see that you are worthless…..they tell us we are worthless….and the saddest part is we believe this…and someday we replace the pen we used to write words of joy with a razor that covers our arms and screams words of pain…so don’t tell me I deserve the world darling…because I know I do…..I know I do…..

I know I do…..