Why I can’t go back…(Poem #79)

I would pick up the blade,

but I can’t,

I can’t bring myself to it again,

It isn’t the blood,

or the pain,

the scares,

or the dirty looks,

or the stares,

or the stigma…

It’s the effect it has on me inside,

I can’t bring myself to hate myself again,

to look at my body in disgust and distaste,

because slowly

but surely,

I am seeing myself as beautiful!

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The night (Poem #68)

As the moon rises high in the dark barren sky,

A tear falls down that no one should have cried,

Pain is felt that has been kept inside,

And loneliness sinks in with each second that goes by,

For night time means darkness,

Unless your out for a drink,

But even a bar is sometimes lonelier than you think,

Becasue every soul is searching for something we can never grasp,

Whether it is riches, money, happiness, or success.

Every soul is running toward something new to have,

And everyone can sometimes forget the beauty that night has.

For in the darkness you can cherish the soft breath by your side,

or a warm memory that helps keep you warm at night,

or even the fact the we have a dollar or two to spend on a day,

or just the fact that we are made to cherish both the night and the day.

I don’t get it….(Poem #48)

This is a new feeling for me,

the feeling of warm open arms,

of a hug I need that somehow keeps me from falling apart.

I don’t get it….

how your presence does just enough to keep me sane,

or how when you smile it reminds me what it feel like to be alive…

I don’t get it….

I don’t get how you laying next to me,

not saying a word,

can heal me more than a thousand words can…

or how the stuffed animal you gave me,

makes the tears hurt a little less….

I don’t get it…

How somehow you give me the strength to look forward,

and stand on my own,

through the simplest things as a look.

I don’t get it…..

I don’t get how I feel the depression hitting me,

but when I am with you I am not depressed….

Sorry for the Darkness (Poem #47)

They were right,

All of this feels the same again,

The sun may be shining but I do not feel it’s heat,

I do not rejoice in it’s light,

because when I got out of bed this morning,

all I could look forward to was getting back into it,

knowing I wouldn’t be able to sleep,

but rather just lay there in a permanent state of numbness…

You see I was doing ok,

I was fine,

and then I couldn’t stop it,

The tears started and never stopped,

because even when I am walking my heart keeps crying,

and my eyes they are dull,

they show nothing,

because all I feel…

IS NOTHING AT ALL.

I mean I know this will be over soon,

at least I hope it will,

because this time it isn’t as bad,

yet I still feel the need to apologize to everyone who sees me,

because it feels like they can see the dark cloud around me,

and I don’t want to ruin their sunshine,

but how can you not when all you want to do is get out of the rain?

I want to get out…

I WANT OUT!

I want to actually feel again,

not feel the ripples of the emotions I used to have,

I want them to be back.

So that is why I told you,

I told you I was falling apart,

So I am sorry for the darkness my love,

but please don’t be afraid of the dark,

it isn’t here to hurt you,

it’s here to torture me,

because you represent everything that is opposite of it to me,

So while I lay here in the darkness,

and I feel your warm on my neck,

I remember what it feel like when the sun beats down on me,

and I know I will get out of this again…

The cracks in the wall (Poem #46)

It’s nights that suck the most,

Because it means being alone,

in a dark room,

with no one to talk to,

no one to hear you…

Yet that is somehow all I have done these last few days,

I have sat here,

staring at the same cracks in the walls,

and the way the light changes,

because I don’t want to leave the comfort of my room,

not today,

today my mask isn’t thick enough,

my walls aren’t tall enough,

and my knees are too weak to hold even the strong of heart….

So I lay here,

tears rolling down my face,

staring into the endless concept of emptiness and nothingness,

and in these moments,

I feel as if,

I don’t exist….