Intimacy (poem #126)

   

I have so many secrets,

The biggest,

How I feel.

This photo is just one crystal on my chandelier now shattered on the ground,

You have seen more of me than you ever will,

Because this captured the moment everything fell apart,

Truly there is nothing more intimate… 

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The tears we must cry…(Poem #82)

I know it is late,

and that nothing makes sense,

and that tears streaming down my face are just streams of confusion,

but I can’t help it,

I can’t hold it in,

the tears must fall,

and I must cry,

but for tonight will you hold me tight,

so that my tears will be the only thing falling apart.

Words my soul can not say…(Poem #62)

I wish I had the words,

but they won’t come out,

instead everything I know how to say is said,

and now….now I have nothing left to say,

yet my heart is crying,

my soul is screaming,

But it just comes out as a mixed language I can not explain,

And when I try…all that comes out are tears,

and the tears don’t tell the story I want them to.

They can not say I am sorry,

and that I will change,

all they show is desperation and pain.

Sorry for the Darkness (Poem #47)

They were right,

All of this feels the same again,

The sun may be shining but I do not feel it’s heat,

I do not rejoice in it’s light,

because when I got out of bed this morning,

all I could look forward to was getting back into it,

knowing I wouldn’t be able to sleep,

but rather just lay there in a permanent state of numbness…

You see I was doing ok,

I was fine,

and then I couldn’t stop it,

The tears started and never stopped,

because even when I am walking my heart keeps crying,

and my eyes they are dull,

they show nothing,

because all I feel…

IS NOTHING AT ALL.

I mean I know this will be over soon,

at least I hope it will,

because this time it isn’t as bad,

yet I still feel the need to apologize to everyone who sees me,

because it feels like they can see the dark cloud around me,

and I don’t want to ruin their sunshine,

but how can you not when all you want to do is get out of the rain?

I want to get out…

I WANT OUT!

I want to actually feel again,

not feel the ripples of the emotions I used to have,

I want them to be back.

So that is why I told you,

I told you I was falling apart,

So I am sorry for the darkness my love,

but please don’t be afraid of the dark,

it isn’t here to hurt you,

it’s here to torture me,

because you represent everything that is opposite of it to me,

So while I lay here in the darkness,

and I feel your warm on my neck,

I remember what it feel like when the sun beats down on me,

and I know I will get out of this again…

The cracks in the wall (Poem #46)

It’s nights that suck the most,

Because it means being alone,

in a dark room,

with no one to talk to,

no one to hear you…

Yet that is somehow all I have done these last few days,

I have sat here,

staring at the same cracks in the walls,

and the way the light changes,

because I don’t want to leave the comfort of my room,

not today,

today my mask isn’t thick enough,

my walls aren’t tall enough,

and my knees are too weak to hold even the strong of heart….

So I lay here,

tears rolling down my face,

staring into the endless concept of emptiness and nothingness,

and in these moments,

I feel as if,

I don’t exist….

Like the rain (Poem #23)

Yes I remember,

I remember what it is like to feel,

to cry,

to lose myself in the sound of the rain,

I remember the feeling of the tears,

mixing with the raindrops,

and how the thunder muffled my screams,

and how hard it poured,

how much I wanted so badly to just have the rain wash me away,

yes I remember all of that…

I remember how it all began,

and how far it went,

and how dark it got,

and how many people I pushed away,

I also remember how many people left,

or said I just wanted attention,

but that wasn’t it.

I remember it like a knife,

cutting through my wrist,

like it once did,

but that is the thing,

I remember it,

I don’t feel it now,

I don’t want the rain to melt me,

Instead I dance in it,

and smile as the water rushes down my cheeks,

because the rain means a renewal,

and new day,

and growth.

I have moved on,

I have moved forward,

and yeah sometimes the dark clouds come back,

but I can know that the sun is hiding right behind it,

and that the glow of the moon is enough to show me through the night.

Because I am more than my depression every way,

and more than it ever will be,

because I am me,

and that is pretty damn great if you ask me.

Strength is…(poem #18)

Strength isn’t about never showing your fears,

or never crying,

or holding on too long.

Strength is about

letting go when it is the right time,

about showing when you are scared,

but powering through it anyways,

about holding on to til the right time,

about showing others you have fears,

but they will not control you.

Strength is being yourself,

no matter what,

no matter how hard it is…

Strength is YOU!