I deserve this….(poem #7)

What do you do,
When your cries fall on deaf ears?
Or minds that have no time for you?
Or any consideration of your being?

So what am I to do…
I did what I could with what I had,
and yet I still fall short…
like usual….

You would think I would be used to this,
Seeing as most of the plans I have made have fallen apart, of course last minute due to the fact that life provided something remotely more satisfying than calming my ever raging heart or putting a smile on the face that has seen more tears than there are lightning-bugs in this dreadful night sky…i guess I do get it..I get there there is something better….yet everyday I am told that I am deserving of love, admiration and the world…..but I guess the world fell short and stopped turning long enough to show me that really, even though I may deserve it,I won’t get shit…so maybe this cry falls on deaf ears but at least I am trying….because giving up looks smooth right now…but that isn’t me…so as the world heeds on I will take every baby step toward tomorrow with a pain in my heart and hurt in my eyes…because I deserve it…I deserve this….

I deserve this…right? You know what I have learned…that no matter how many times you are told you deserve the best everything that happens to come close ends…it always ends….so no matter how many times I remember my mother telling me I deserve someone who will show me that I am the reason the stars shine in the sky…yet I can’t even find someone who is willing to try…because every moment when I go to write down on this paper words of happiness and joy you snatch the pen out of my hand..somehow the world has this sick twisted way of taking everything positive in our life and staining it with tears and heartache so someday we except the pamphlets they hand out on street corners that tell us how much we are worth…and they never say you are worth the world…they always say the same thing….you aren’t pretty enough, you aren’t smart enough, you need to do better, damn it stop crying, you need to be stronger, why can’t you see that you are worthless…..they tell us we are worthless….and the saddest part is we believe this…and someday we replace the pen we used to write words of joy with a razor that covers our arms and screams words of pain…so don’t tell me I deserve the world darling…because I know I do…..I know I do…..

I know I do…..

Country songs….(Poem #6)

I know you think I am crazy,

but I love the sound of those crazy country songs,

the ones with a hint of everything,

a little twang….

a little pop…

a little guitar….

a little pain….

a little love….

but mostly just honesty.

I love the idea of having one of those nights,

Of falling in love in the middle of nowhere,

About losing that love,

and holding on tight to the love we wish we had.

So call me crazy for loving my truck,

and loving the sound of a small town party,

sitting around a bonefire,

laughing and loving,

and just holding on to good friends….

Because country music says that all…

Because can you honestly tell me that in the middle of the night,

when fireflies storm the skies,

and the smoke of a fire streams through the air,

and headlights light up the dancing grass,

That there is something better to hear?

That somehow techno music would suffice?

No darling….

So call me a hick,

Or a redneck if you may,

But this small town girl loves her truck,

loves to love,

has felt heartbreak,

has her dog waiting for her at home,

apreciates the beauty of an unplanned night,

and doing something small but crazy,

who can kick up some dirt,

and raise some hell….

but at the end of the night,

there’s only one things I want to hear….

And that’s the sound of the crickets,

And the breeze tickling the trees,

And the soft echo of a howl filling the night sky.

And you wanna know what’s crazy,

I’m not even that country,

There are girls out there that go way harder than me,

Who have lived their whole lives living and breathing country,

I’m no down south or norther country girl through and through,

But deep down in my heart,

While I am sitting here in the city,

I can see,

That clearly there is a little country girl in me….

So does this girl love her country music,

yes when the time is right I do….

But maybe tomorrow I will be just as in love with Rock & Roll too….

Tomorrow….. (#2)

I’m scared…

Scared out of my mind…

I’m scared of tomorrow…

Scared for the rest of my life…

Because the future is unplanned,

And there is nothing that is for sure…

But somehow….

Somehow it isn’t so scary,

Something not to abhor,

For the mystery of tomorrow

makes it that much more clear,

That mystery is beautiful…

Mystery is nothing to fear…

Because with every mystery there are is ambiguity,

A chance for something great…

And if my future includes you…

Well maybe tomorrow won’t be so hard to take…

So thank you my darling,

For standing here with me…

Thank you all for holding on,

And seeing something beautiful in me.

For even when I don’t see it,

I know that you all do,

And maybe tomorrow I will see it,

or maybe never…

no one can tell.

So what does tomorrow bring,

It brings me a chance,

A chance to find who I really am,

A chance to learn to dance,

It means falling down,

And learning to get up,

It means not knowing what is going to happen

Yet finding peace in that,

It’s about giving everything a chance,

It means learning,

letting go,

holding on,

and staying true,

It means learning who you really are,

And finding out who is true….

So tomorrow come when you are ready,

Come when you have a chance,

I am ready for you,

I’m standing tall,

Give me everything you’ve got,

And I will show you who still has a chance!

Tomorrow you will not hurt me,

You will not scare me away,

I will not sink,

I will not falter,

I will never break…

Though you have shown me,

What heartbreak truly is…

I know that through it all something beautiful is coming,

And I will love again.

So tomorrow if you’re ready,

I’m giving you a chance,

Try and break me,

Try your best,

Because even though I am scared..

I know I am not alone,

And I am not letting go….