The fear of a little girl (Poem #43)

What is fear?

Why do we give it so much power over us?

And every time that we try to push it away,

it grasps at our throat and reminds us of the pain it can cause,

and how no matter how much we beg for it to let go,

it will decide when it will…

Why?

Why do we let this permeate our life?

If you ask me I am done with fear…

DONE!

I am sick of feeling like a scared little girl who is hiding under the blankets,

because somehow those blankets were supposed to soften the screams..

I AM DONE WITH THAT!

Fear will not control me,

I will not walk down the streets in fear that every person I see may hurt me,

I will not fear the figures I have always have,

they will not longer have the power…

You see we only give fear the power if we show it that we not nothing more than to breath while it is still in our lives…

Instead we need to show fear what we truly can do,

so instead of it pinning us to a wall,

we will stand up and show you who is bigger,

and who is in control…

I WILL CONTROL MY LIFE!

NOT MY FEARS,

NOT MY MEMORIES,

ME!

AND ME ALONE!

life quote photo: Quote tumblr_lao776rP8m1qc5fudo1_500.jpg

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This song- Of Mice & Men My Understanding(Poem #42)

This song,

this song holds a lot of memories….

Both good and bad.

and I remember the first time I heard it,

and I will probably remember the last as well…

You see this song is more than the short two verses it holds,

this song has pierced my heart,

and tattooed itself on my soul,

it has become a part of me.

Because this song has spoken all the words I wish I could have said to all those whom I care about,

“I don’t mind it, I don’t mind it if your overrated

or staring at the edge of the world”

I wish they would have seen that this song is me,

The ideas,

dreams,

and words of this song are what I want.

I don’t care if it is emo,

or seems too dark,

it really isn’t,

it is beautiful,

and tells a story my words can not do justice to…

So because of this,

I will end this poem with the words that have become my battle cry,

my anthem….

“BUT I CAN SEE IT IS YOUR LOVE THAT I HAVE BEEN DREAMING OF

AND IF WE CLIMB THIS HIGH, I SWEAR WE’LL NEVER DIE”

Why did I believe the lie I that I am ugly? (Poem #39)

I looked in the mirror today,

and saw a million flaws…

1. My nose is too big

2. My eyebrows are too bushy

3. My bottom lip isn’t proportional to my upper lip

4. My hair is too frizzy and whenever I straighten it it never stays that way

5. There are too many zits on my face

6. My chest isn’t big enough

7. My stomach won’t go away

8…..9….10….

You get the point…

I stared in the mirror and saw all the things I have been told were not pretty enough.

I have fallen to the part of society that has choked me since I was 11 years old,

I took at the things that were thrown at me and,

though they did not break my bones,

they left bruises.

I did suffer depression,

I did suffer from an eating disorder,

I did put myself through and unhealthy amount of physical work,

I put myself through everything I could think of in order to make myself feel pretty…

Why am I doing this?

Why do I believe this?

When I was a little girls,

I thought I was beautiful,

with my blue eyes

and crazy blond hair,

but one day those eyes weren’t enough,

and the crazy hair needed to be tamed.

But FUCK THAT!!!!

FUCK THE WORLD FOR TELLING ME I NEED TO BE PERFECT,

AND FAKE TO BE BEAUTIFUL!

I honestly felt like throwing my mirror across the room and watching it smash to a million pieces,

I would have loved to break my hand breaking that mirror if it reminded me that I am a beautiful person,

because I did believe that before,

I believed I was a beautiful princess who deserved a man who would see me as a beautiful queen.

But instead of destroying that mirror I did something else,

I looked back in the mirror,

and looked harder at myself,

and this is what I saw,

1. My eyes are a mix of blue, gold, grey, and are extremely unique

2. My nose is perfectly sized for my nose ring to sit in a place that brings summitry to my face

3. My eyebrows make my eyes pop when I manage them

4. My lips are the perfect shape to show more emotion than I could imagine

5. My waist size is healthy

6. My boobs are proportionate and if I wanted them to get any bigger I would have to gain more weight

7. My body is more than the sexualized image of what a women should be

8. I am beautiful

9. I am pretty

10. I am unique

Who am I to you? (poem #37)

Who am I to you?

I often wonder this,

I have shown you all my scares,

well not all of them,

but enough of them,

enough for you to judge me…

So who am I?

How do you see me?

I truly hope it is with a good light,

because my life is dark enough sometimes,

I try to show you everything,

the good and the bad,

because I want you to see me for who I am,

the weird…

hurt,

scared,

strong,

lonely,

quirky,

geeky,

misfit,

athletic,

princess,

person who challenges authority,

isn’t quiet sure who I am,

yet is still confident in what I can be,

I want you to see me as who I am,

and not as something I pretend to be…

So who I am to you?

What do you see?

Please tell me,

I want to know,

I want to know…

at least I think I do…

I hate love (poem #36)

I hate love,

I do,

because it sucks,

you have to open up to someone,

and you give them parts of you that can crush you,

but you do it because you want to,

you want to give them all of you,

and to grow with them,

you want them to be able to walk through all the walls you put up,

because for some crazy reason the pain they could cause is worth each smile,

each kiss

each memory…
quotes photo: quotes 066.jpg

So yea I hate love,

but I love love so much because I hate it so much.

Wish me luck (poem #29)

breaking down walls photo: Break Walls Down broken20hearted20wall.jpg

I had to sit down today,

and look long and hard,

at this person I show the world,

and all the pain behind it.

You see I know I have built up walls,

and I have hidden behind them for so long,

that it is scary when I look through them,

it is almost like I am looking back into the eyes of the 13 year old me,

and that little girls was scared,

hurt,

and alone.

I don’t want to be here again,

and I never want to see it again,

I don’t want to see the world through frightened eyes,

I want to be strong,

and stand tall..

Like I am now.

You see the walls helped me stay strong,

and then I made myself strong,

Now as the walls come crashing down, 

I don’t know what hides behind them,

could it be monsters?

or could it be angels?

I don’t know…

but I guess it is time to find out…

Wish me luck!

Strength is…(poem #18)

Strength isn’t about never showing your fears,

or never crying,

or holding on too long.

Strength is about

letting go when it is the right time,

about showing when you are scared,

but powering through it anyways,

about holding on to til the right time,

about showing others you have fears,

but they will not control you.

Strength is being yourself,

no matter what,

no matter how hard it is…

Strength is YOU!

So this is how it feel…(poem #14)

So this is how it feels,

when disaster strikes,

and everything you knew disappeared…

There is an overwhelming fear ,

and pain for what has been lost.

It would be easier if it was something materialistic,

like a house,

or jewelry,

but no this is worse…

this is much worse….

You see a house can be rebuilt with blueprint,

and Jewelry can be bought again,

but what happens when the walls you built,

and everything you called yourself 

suddenly gets thrown open and apart,

and you look around and all you see is the rubble of what you were,

every brick was a part of you,

and every stone you pick up brings back all the memories,

all the pain,

all the joy,

all the fears,

they bring back EVERYTHING!!

and you can’t hide from them anymore,

you’re skeletons are amoungst the rubble,

and you feel like you are living in a class house,

and all you want to do is cry out,

and fall to your knees and give up,

but as you fall you find the one brick that reminds you why you keep trying…

Suddenly there is a hand helping you stand up now,

and a voice saying “let’s keep that one”,

then you understand,

the tornado didn’t come to destroy you,

just destroy what you thought you were,

because what you thought was holding you back from who you could be,

the walls were too high and blinding you from the sun,

so yes the rubble is scary,

and as you rebuild yourself you will get cuts,

and splinters,

and bruises,

and scares,

and bleed a lot…

but in the end it will all be worth it,

because the sun will be shining on you from now on,

and you will have learned to dance in the rain,

and learn that some part of your house can be glass,

and that the things that held you back before can be thrown away,

and only the pieces you want to keep will be used,

because now you get to decide who you will be!

How I feel…(poem #9)

Please talk to me,

See that I have feeling too,

That even though you don’t understand it doesn’t mean I don’t care,

It just means that I don’t know how to tell you what I feel,

Because everything is all mixed up in my head,

And nothing makes sense to me,

But something makes sense no matter what,

That even through this emotional mess I am in…

I need you to be willing to listen,

To hold my hand,

And uplift my soul,

And just know that no matter how bad I hurt you…

I still care…..

I….I…just don’t know how to tell you what I need or feel….