Maybe it is about the story…(poem #49)

I want to start this by saying this:

DEPRESSION SUCKS,

LIKE A LOT!

But if it has taught me anything,

it is to cherish every moment that you feel,

not matter the emotion,

cherish it,

embrace it,

and remember it,

because feeling something is better than nothing.

What if that is the whole point of going through this?

To learn that it isn’t necessarily about always being happy,

but about knowing what it means to feel happy.

To learn that life won’t hand you glass slippers and a carriage,

but rather that you will have to go out and get them,

and it will hurt,

and you will want to quiet,

but you can’t,

because before the clock strikes midnight you will see all your work play out,

and you will feel alive.

You see,

life is just like your own book,

you can’t just skip to the happily ever after,

because well there is no garantee there will be one

unless you work for one,

and some chapters of your story are going to be scary

and hurt

but that is because you need some character development in order to be ready for the next page.

Sure you will get paper cuts,

fill pages with tear,

but that is the fun of reading,

you feel so much that you can’t wait to see what the next page holds…

Life is just like that,

it’s about the journey,

and in the end that is so much better than any stupid fairy-tale happy ending if you ask me.

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I don’t get it….(Poem #48)

This is a new feeling for me,

the feeling of warm open arms,

of a hug I need that somehow keeps me from falling apart.

I don’t get it….

how your presence does just enough to keep me sane,

or how when you smile it reminds me what it feel like to be alive…

I don’t get it….

I don’t get how you laying next to me,

not saying a word,

can heal me more than a thousand words can…

or how the stuffed animal you gave me,

makes the tears hurt a little less….

I don’t get it…

How somehow you give me the strength to look forward,

and stand on my own,

through the simplest things as a look.

I don’t get it…..

I don’t get how I feel the depression hitting me,

but when I am with you I am not depressed….

Sorry for the Darkness (Poem #47)

They were right,

All of this feels the same again,

The sun may be shining but I do not feel it’s heat,

I do not rejoice in it’s light,

because when I got out of bed this morning,

all I could look forward to was getting back into it,

knowing I wouldn’t be able to sleep,

but rather just lay there in a permanent state of numbness…

You see I was doing ok,

I was fine,

and then I couldn’t stop it,

The tears started and never stopped,

because even when I am walking my heart keeps crying,

and my eyes they are dull,

they show nothing,

because all I feel…

IS NOTHING AT ALL.

I mean I know this will be over soon,

at least I hope it will,

because this time it isn’t as bad,

yet I still feel the need to apologize to everyone who sees me,

because it feels like they can see the dark cloud around me,

and I don’t want to ruin their sunshine,

but how can you not when all you want to do is get out of the rain?

I want to get out…

I WANT OUT!

I want to actually feel again,

not feel the ripples of the emotions I used to have,

I want them to be back.

So that is why I told you,

I told you I was falling apart,

So I am sorry for the darkness my love,

but please don’t be afraid of the dark,

it isn’t here to hurt you,

it’s here to torture me,

because you represent everything that is opposite of it to me,

So while I lay here in the darkness,

and I feel your warm on my neck,

I remember what it feel like when the sun beats down on me,

and I know I will get out of this again…

The cracks in the wall (Poem #46)

It’s nights that suck the most,

Because it means being alone,

in a dark room,

with no one to talk to,

no one to hear you…

Yet that is somehow all I have done these last few days,

I have sat here,

staring at the same cracks in the walls,

and the way the light changes,

because I don’t want to leave the comfort of my room,

not today,

today my mask isn’t thick enough,

my walls aren’t tall enough,

and my knees are too weak to hold even the strong of heart….

So I lay here,

tears rolling down my face,

staring into the endless concept of emptiness and nothingness,

and in these moments,

I feel as if,

I don’t exist….

My love hate relationship with college (Poem #45)

I would like to start this poem by making one thing perfectly clear:

COLLEGE AND I HAVE A VERY CONFLICTING LOVE HATE RELATIONSHIP!

The quote above explains what I really want,

and what I believe learning is all about,

here let me explain,

Please sit down with me,

tell me why this is what I am supposed to do,

and please don’t give me that rant about I need it to get a good job,

because WELL DUH I already knew that,

believe me,

otherwise I would have dropped out by now.

No tell me why I am here,

sitting in this office chair,

working on over-night shift at an information desk,

in order to somehow afford food,

and textbooks.

Why am I spending thousands of dollars to have someone sit and talk at me,

yeah some of it is interesting,

but others I take because it will get me a piece of paper that somehow explains that I did something with my life…

Give me a break!

What that piece of paper says is this:

“Ms. Mathews spent three years of her life doing the following:

memorizing x, y, and z,

reciting various theories that have applied to history,

opened her mind to the idea that we will never truly be able to understand or prepare for everything,

spend way too many nights not sleeping because of various reasons

gave a letter on a piece of paper overpower her emotions,

learned too many terms too remember,

and lastly,

SHE KNEW HOW TO PLAY THE GAME.”

Because that is what this is all about,

I mean yeah I love learning,

but I hate someone putting a grade on it,

because somehow the grade tells me that you didn’t learn enough,

or work hard enough.

But I believe that learning happens through life experience,

not always from a textbook that a bunch of people who are no longer living wrote to explain their ideas of what happened.

Maybe it is my nonconformity characteristics coming out now,

but this system sucks!

I love college,

I love the people,

I love the fact that I get to learn from people with experience,

But I hate that it all for a piece of paper that says I did something with my life…

I spent most of my time here sitting in a classroom,

that isn’t doing something with my life,

going out and living is,

and with the course load I have,

I feel like living a full and prosperous life isn’t really my first priority right now,

making up my Chinese tests is

(well sort of…procrastination is awesome).

I guess I am just saying I can’t wait to get out of here and live my life,

how I want to,

and to experience the world,

in only a way I can,

in a way that no text book can ever show me,

and no professor can explain to me,

I want to experience my life as ME!

Observations of the Ill(Poem # 44)

I was ill for the last few days,

and I locked myself in my room so no one else would fall ill,

and feel as shitty as I did.

But today,

I dragged myself out of bed and went outside,

went on with my life,

even though I still feel weak and tired,

but I was “well enough to go to class”,

which really isn’t that much better of a state,

really it is just a state of “I won’t get anyone else sick now”…

But you know what I noticed,

people are always soooo busy,

They walk to class,

heads down,

or chatting,

going here,

going there…

but never really going anywhere.

You see in my three days of locking myself in my room to be alone,

I found that I lived most when I had my brief moments with people,

when I could just sit down and enjoy someone’s company…

Yet we don’t do that anymore…

We are too worried about being on time,

and appearing at this,

I mean yeah being on time is important,

But people really need to set aside time to just relax

and enjoy the fact that they aren’t alone,

locked in a room,

with minimal contact to the outside world…

They need to enjoy the fact that they are ALIVE AND WELL!

The fear of a little girl (Poem #43)

What is fear?

Why do we give it so much power over us?

And every time that we try to push it away,

it grasps at our throat and reminds us of the pain it can cause,

and how no matter how much we beg for it to let go,

it will decide when it will…

Why?

Why do we let this permeate our life?

If you ask me I am done with fear…

DONE!

I am sick of feeling like a scared little girl who is hiding under the blankets,

because somehow those blankets were supposed to soften the screams..

I AM DONE WITH THAT!

Fear will not control me,

I will not walk down the streets in fear that every person I see may hurt me,

I will not fear the figures I have always have,

they will not longer have the power…

You see we only give fear the power if we show it that we not nothing more than to breath while it is still in our lives…

Instead we need to show fear what we truly can do,

so instead of it pinning us to a wall,

we will stand up and show you who is bigger,

and who is in control…

I WILL CONTROL MY LIFE!

NOT MY FEARS,

NOT MY MEMORIES,

ME!

AND ME ALONE!

life quote photo: Quote tumblr_lao776rP8m1qc5fudo1_500.jpg

This song- Of Mice & Men My Understanding(Poem #42)

This song,

this song holds a lot of memories….

Both good and bad.

and I remember the first time I heard it,

and I will probably remember the last as well…

You see this song is more than the short two verses it holds,

this song has pierced my heart,

and tattooed itself on my soul,

it has become a part of me.

Because this song has spoken all the words I wish I could have said to all those whom I care about,

“I don’t mind it, I don’t mind it if your overrated

or staring at the edge of the world”

I wish they would have seen that this song is me,

The ideas,

dreams,

and words of this song are what I want.

I don’t care if it is emo,

or seems too dark,

it really isn’t,

it is beautiful,

and tells a story my words can not do justice to…

So because of this,

I will end this poem with the words that have become my battle cry,

my anthem….

“BUT I CAN SEE IT IS YOUR LOVE THAT I HAVE BEEN DREAMING OF

AND IF WE CLIMB THIS HIGH, I SWEAR WE’LL NEVER DIE”

An ode to Jimmy Hendrix (poem #41)

I applaud you Mr. Hendrix,

for what you did truly was revolutionary,

you see you became an image of a melted society,

you showed the world a culture that it had never known,

you showed the world what it could be,

a world unlike our own.

But they refuted you Mr. Hendrix,

that spat in your face and called you names,

because the society that you represented did not have a name,

so the whites thought you were a genius,

and where showing them what black culture was like,

yet the blacks called you a “white nigger”

and didn’t want you in their sight.

This was because Mr. Hendrix,

you were something completely new,

you showed the world what hybridization was,

through just being you.

You see you became the melting pot Mr. Hendrix,

you were the man who showed what the world should be,

a culture filled with everyone’s culture,

in just one human being.

So Mr. Hendrix,

what did society do,

they scrutinized you Mr. Hendrix,

because they didn’t know what to do.

They didn’t know what to do with a man,

who represented so much more,

that didn’t fit into their god damn boxes,

who wouldn’t confide to their reform,

becuase the stereotypes weren’t working,

and their minds couldn not understand,

a man does not have to be a single culture,

rather he is a mixture of the cultures he understands,

and they wanted so deeply to label you,

but nothing seemed to stick,

because Mr. Hendrix you were the body of reform,

the man without a culture,

that had yet been known to man,

you were the melting pot Mr. Hendrix,

and for that I applaud you,

thank you my good man.

I don’t know if this should even count as a poem or more of a rant…(poem #40)

I wanted to challenge myself to something new,

So for the next few minutes I am going to close my eyes and type all of the thoughts that go through my head…

Ready?

Go!

1. I love the sound of rain, and the mixture of bird calls, thunder and raindrops that the rainy moods website is using tonight.

2. I hate being sick, and having a fever really put a damper on my day. I felt so weak and useless. Honestly being an adult and being sick sucks because when we are little we have our parents around to help take care of us and make sure that even though we physically feel like crap we don’t have to mentally as well…

3. I miss my dog terribly…he is my best friend and somehow he always knew how to make me feel better no matter how hard the situation got.

4. Sleep and I have a love hate relationship…I am a college kid so this shouldn’t surprise me.

5. I am really confusing myself now…here is why. I looked on a job posting sight through my school and was genuinely upset that all of the after-school positions to help out with elementary and high school programs were “work study” only…why is this confusing, well I thought I hated children, but alas I see I do not.

6. I am not sure if this should even count as a poem really, because it is more of a rant.

7. I miss the show Boy Meets World…and other kids shows I mean seriously kids shows kind of went down the toilet recently.

8. I want to inspire people, not just have them like me. Because people liking you well is rather insignificant when the world is filled with people we “like”, but not many that we want to “be like”. A child needs a role model and someone who seems like a superhero to them not like barbie. I want to change the world in the eyes of a child to inspire them to truly become anything they want not just what people say. So become a vet, an astronaut, a archaeologist, or whatever your dream was…become your own superhero.

9. I think I found what love is…and it scares me to death.

10. Yup this is defiantly a rant and not a poem, haha but I am the author so I get to pick what I call it right!